It's Over...

Thanks to PCOS, I knew from the very start that breast feeding was probably going to be difficult.  When we found out we were pregnant, we both agreed that I should attempt breast feeding - even if it only worked out for a short time.

I gave myself some goals - make it through her first week and see what her pediatrician says.  Her weight checked out perfectly, so I decided to make it until the next check up.  Then the next, then the end of maternity leave, and finally 6 months!

Here we are, 2 weeks shy of her 6 month "birthday" and I am still breast feeding - sort of.  She usually takes 7-10 ounces a day while I am at work... I am not pumping nearly enough.  On a good day, I will pump 8 ounces.  There are some days when I am lucky enough to pump 5 ounces... While I am extremely pro breast feeding, I will ALWAYS agree that fed is best.

Breast feeding is hard... When I am with Diana, I know that every 4 hours - no matter what I am doing, or trying to get done - I will have a tiny human attached to me.  I have horrible anxiety (still) about breast feeding her in public.  Not because I don't know my rights, I am very well aware of them actually.  I just have horrible body image of myself, so the thought of any type of exposure OR confrontation from a complete stranger, I just can't handle it.  Though, on the occasion that I see another breast feeding mom, I always remind her of how awesome she is and throw a fist pump her way!

I guess I am one of the lucky ones... I have never experienced mastitis, only had a clogged duct one time, and I have never experienced cracked or otherwise damaged nipples (overshare??) It's been a beautiful experience.  I feel I have truly bonded with my daughter in a way that no one else ever could.  I feel I have given my daughter life in a way that no one else could, by way of being her food source.  I will always be eternally grateful to even have this experience, because most PCOS moms never do.

I have tried all of the "tricks" from more water, lactation cookies, oatmeal for breakfast, various drinks and other foods, but I am still unable to produce enough to exclusively breast feed.  This week, we have started supplementing 1 bottle with formula and see how it goes.  I will also continue to pump at work, because even if I can only give her 1 bottle through out the day I will! I will also continue to attempt to nurse in the morning and before she goes to bed.

Honestly, I am trying not to beat myself up over this - I gave it my absolute best!  I have done all I know to do, but I also know that my daughter needs to eat to live...

I will also forever continue to support new momma's in their journeys - whether breast feeding or not!  Everyone needs someone to be their cheerleader!  What works for you may not have worked for me, but we are Momma's and in this together.