It's Over...

Thanks to PCOS, I knew from the very start that breast feeding was probably going to be difficult.  When we found out we were pregnant, we both agreed that I should attempt breast feeding - even if it only worked out for a short time.

I gave myself some goals - make it through her first week and see what her pediatrician says.  Her weight checked out perfectly, so I decided to make it until the next check up.  Then the next, then the end of maternity leave, and finally 6 months!

Here we are, 2 weeks shy of her 6 month "birthday" and I am still breast feeding - sort of.  She usually takes 7-10 ounces a day while I am at work... I am not pumping nearly enough.  On a good day, I will pump 8 ounces.  There are some days when I am lucky enough to pump 5 ounces... While I am extremely pro breast feeding, I will ALWAYS agree that fed is best.

Breast feeding is hard... When I am with Diana, I know that every 4 hours - no matter what I am doing, or trying to get done - I will have a tiny human attached to me.  I have horrible anxiety (still) about breast feeding her in public.  Not because I don't know my rights, I am very well aware of them actually.  I just have horrible body image of myself, so the thought of any type of exposure OR confrontation from a complete stranger, I just can't handle it.  Though, on the occasion that I see another breast feeding mom, I always remind her of how awesome she is and throw a fist pump her way!

I guess I am one of the lucky ones... I have never experienced mastitis, only had a clogged duct one time, and I have never experienced cracked or otherwise damaged nipples (overshare??) It's been a beautiful experience.  I feel I have truly bonded with my daughter in a way that no one else ever could.  I feel I have given my daughter life in a way that no one else could, by way of being her food source.  I will always be eternally grateful to even have this experience, because most PCOS moms never do.

I have tried all of the "tricks" from more water, lactation cookies, oatmeal for breakfast, various drinks and other foods, but I am still unable to produce enough to exclusively breast feed.  This week, we have started supplementing 1 bottle with formula and see how it goes.  I will also continue to pump at work, because even if I can only give her 1 bottle through out the day I will! I will also continue to attempt to nurse in the morning and before she goes to bed.

Honestly, I am trying not to beat myself up over this - I gave it my absolute best!  I have done all I know to do, but I also know that my daughter needs to eat to live...

I will also forever continue to support new momma's in their journeys - whether breast feeding or not!  Everyone needs someone to be their cheerleader!  What works for you may not have worked for me, but we are Momma's and in this together.

Doctors, Med Updates, and Blood Works...

I went to the doctor on Friday, basically to check up on my PCOS and make sure nothing was going wrong... My weight is down, as we all know, but the doc wanted blood work.

Sunday Reflections

Sunday is our cheat day, its also the day we go to church!  I play the guitar on the praise and worship team.  Sometimes I sing too, if my voice is up to it.

Today was kind of emotional.  The praise team has practice before service, so I got there kind of early.  One of the other team members is a good friend of mine. We ended up talking about pregnancy and timing... which has been a difficult topic of conversation for me.  A year ago in May, my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

One of the many side effects of this wonderful diagnonsence is obesity, hair loss, and difficult getting pregnant.  The obesity portion I am taking care of... Diet and exercise.  The hair loss... I am dealing with, but it hurts sometimes.  My hair is my crowning glory - One the few things about ME that I love!  It was thick, beautiful, and healthy!

The hardest one is the pregnancy, or lack there of.  There is a good chance that we won't even be able to get pregnant.  For some reason today, I was extra emotional about it.  Back to our conversation... We started talking about how the hardest thing to hear is "God's timing is not OUR timing" especially when it comes from people who don't really know the situation.  Yes, I firmly believe that God's timing is not mine, and I trust that it is beyond perfect.  But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.  After practice was over, I was on my way out the door when I was stopped by someone.

She stopped me and threw her arms around me.  She said "I read your comment on facebook, and wanted to let you know that we are praying for you"  She and her husband had a hard time getting pregnant, but now have a beautiful daughter!

On April 1st, my friend posted that she saw an "April Fool's fake pregnancy joke"  My comment was simple "This is my HATE for April 1st... it really hurts some of us who are trying desperately with zero results"  And that is truly how I feel about it.  We have extremely supportive parents who don't pressure us or make us feel bad, so that is nice.  And I have started opening up and sharing when people ask.  But sometimes, I wish that it wasn't even a topic of conversation...

I know people mean well when they ask when we are going to start our family, but maybe that's not the plan for us to be parents?  Maybe the plan is for us to adopt!  Maybe the plan is for us to not have children, at all.  When I was so heavily involved in missions work, I thought that there was no way I could juggle work life, marriage, working in a foreign country, AND a baby... And even now, I wonder how in the world we could juggle having a baby and keeping up with everything we have going on.

Do I want a baby?  More than life, but it just isn't happening right now.  And that's ok.

Today got extra emotional because we had a baby dedication this morning.  While this was going on, all I could think about was us standing there with our baby, surrounded by our family, and my heart just broke.  I am usually good about holding back the hurt, but today was just too much... I couldn't stop the tears from flowing... but I am ok.  I promise.

I don't get mad at people for asking, it's typically natural for kiddos to follow marriage.  But please know that when I respond with a "not right now" or "we are trying" please don't think I am being rude for ending the conversation quickly.  It hurts me that I have no control over this.  But I am trusting that God's plan is 10374987452095792847times better than anything we could ever come up with.

Yes, we have talked about adoption, but want to give my body some time to work or not work.  We know that our family will grow, we are just trying to be patient.

That's about all I have for today.  It's cheat day, so Easter candy has certainly been eaten today!  We also tried the Burger King angriest burger... it was ok, but I think I am getting over the addiction to crap food!  I could hardly finish the burger...  And I don't want any more! Progress!

Feel free to share comments about your struggles or non-struggles.  It's wonderful to know that us Cysters (see what I did there?) aren't alone, and that the struggle is real!  Us ladies need to support each other, even if its a "I am praying for and with you" or "I am here for an ear, and a shoulder" We got this!  Even if it isn't happening on OUR time!

Happy Sunday!  The Walking Dead finale is on in a couple hours... so enjoy!!!