Oops...

Well... I made it 22 days of my challenge... right?  That counts for something!!

I have to really give a shout out to the parents who deal with a no sleeping baby... Diana has hit something called "the 8 month sleep regression"  meaning she has decided that sleep is completely overrated and refuses to do so.

Saturday afternoon she napped quite a bit (I may have been napping with her, but this isn't about me!!) and Sunday was too cold to do anything but stay in bed and cuddle for most of the day... So I wasn't too terribly shocked when she didn't want to sleep.  I tried everything - her routine, another bottle, singing and rocking, rocking and no singing... I even tried my last resort which is putting her in her bed with her mobile on.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't - at 1am I was willing to try anything.

I finally caved and brought Diana to bed with us - we do NOT co sleep... that is a habit that does not work for us personally.  No offense to those who do, parenting techniques work for some but not all... but this momma needed sleep for work the next day.

I hoped that her lack of sleep would cause her to sleep Monday night... boy was I ever wrong!!  Since I didn't have my partner in parenting (Brandon had to work...) she again ended up in bed with me.  Every time I moved, her eyes popped open... Was she cold? Nope.  Was she hungry? Nope.  She just had zero plans of sleeping Monday night.

Tuesday night, we changed our whole approach.  We played with her, laughed with her... and didn't let her take an evening nap!  by 8:30, she was in a fleece sleep sack, covered in night time lotion, and her eyes were starting to get heavy!!  She slept through the night!!!  WHEW!!

Now, I know that this is not that big of a deal compared to what other parents have to handle on a nightly basis... We know very well how blessed we are with a babe who sleeps for more than 2 hours at a time.  This was just completely out of character for her!

So, with 8 teeth coming in (yep... 8!! All at once!!) and growing like a weed, we have a 2 days shy of 8 month old who has hit the 8 month sleep regression!!

Good luck mommies and daddies!!!  Get some rest, and continue to be each others greatest cheerleader... We are finding that parenting is certainly difficult if you don't...

Day 22 - Thanksgiving Day

I don't have much of a post today, because we will be spending the majority of the day with family.  As I advise you to do as well.

Define family = that's who you should spend today with!

Enjoy!!!

Day 21 - Turkey Day Eve

The woman who loves wisdom is elegant beyond compare.

Today's post really has nothing to do with my desk calendar... Today, I just want to make a simple thank you.

Thank you to my readers, who join me on this journey.  Thank you to my family for always being my biggest fan and support.  Thank you, especially, to my husband for putting up with my brand of crazy.  And finally, this might sound silly but... Thank you to God.

He has brought me through so many things in my life, I can't even begin to count the blessings.  Through addiction, through loss, through relationships, through fertility issues, through pregnancy and birth... And now, He is bringing me through parenthood.  I mess up every single day, I don't do anything perfectly, but He never leaves me.

For that, I am thankful.

What are you thankful for today??

Day 20 - Thankful

Always be thankful - Colossians 3:15

What a concept, right?  To always be thankful?

I think in today's society, when we are wrapped up in all of the things we need to do, all the distractions life brings, and general life we forget to be thankful.

I have been to Haiti 3 times, and something happened on the last trip that just broke my heart into a million pieces... I worked with an organization that was focused on keeping families together.  I could go into the horribleness of foreign orphanages, or the fact that most children in Haiti have living parents and/or relatives, but for various reasons they send them to orphanages... but that is a post for a different day.

The organization I was working with hosted a feeding program 3 times a week - the families came weekly to a classroom type setting, they studied the bible and sang songs, and then had lunch.  I was busy handing out bowls of chicken and rice, when I noticed a young girl (couldn't have been more than 4 years old) in the front row holding a small butter dish.  I thought that was interesting, so I stopped and watched her for a second.

She slowly opened the dish and started scooping her meal into the bowl.  I asked the leader why she was doing that, and the response almost killed me where I stood.  She was saving some for her sick sister and mother who couldn't make it to the program at that time.

Each time I go to Haiti, I walk away with something new.  This time, I walked away being more thankful than ever!  I live in a society where I can run to McDonald's any time I am hungry, yet I helped with a feeding program who helped a small child take lunch home to her family because they had nothing to eat that day. 

I have so many stories from Haiti... but like I said, they are stories for another time.

Always be thankful - Colossians 3:15

What are you thankful for today?

Day 19 - Goodness

Remind each other of God's goodness and be thankful - Ephesians 5:4

First, let me apologize that yesterday's post was short AND late... I forgot to set the auto post for yesterday... 

Back on track today!!

I have a friend on facebook who is going through some serious stuff in life.  Who it is and what she is going through is not important.  What IS important is that I try to remind her that while she is fully entitled to feel her feelings, she should also count her blessings.  I don't remind her to count her blessings to discount her negative feelings, but more to help her get through the negative thoughts.

I have been battling depression and anxiety for a while... things have only escalated since Diana's arrival.  When my mind starts to spiral out of control, I try to start counting things I am thankful for.  It helps my brain stop focusing on the bad - because let's be real here... life is FULL of bad things or times or feelings.  It helps my brain refocus on the good things and slows the spiral to a stop.

This scripture encourages us to do that for each other.  Encourage each other to remember the good things while dealing with the bad things.  Sometimes it is much harder than anyone might believe, but God is with us through it all.

Who have you encouraged today??

Day 18 - Thanks!

She thought about everything she wanted to say to God, and it always started with "Thank You"

Have you thanked God for your blessings today?

Day 17 - Kindness

Your own soul is nourished when you are kind - Proverbs 11:17

I have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season... I am not a fan of decorating - because my house is destroyed in the process, and then destroyed again when we take everything down... hoping that having Diana will change my mind on that this year.  I am a HUGE fan of gift giving and being with family though!!  So, that more than makes up for it all in my mind.

However, this is also what I hate about this time of year... we go shopping, like the rest of the world, and see the most nasty people.  People being rude to sales people, being rude to other people around them, even being rude to the people they are with!  Yelling at their kids to be quiet or sit still - yet forgetting that the hustle and bustle, the lights, the sounds, SANTA CLAUS IN THE MALL, are all stimulating their little ones and getting them excited!!  Yelling at their spouse because the line to Starbucks is too long... I could go on and on.

I used to work at the mall during the holiday season - I loved the people watching, but sometimes the people interaction was a bit much...

Does it cost you anything to be kind?  Does it hurt you to take a minute with your kids and notice the things going on around them?  I say that before I experience my first holiday season with Diana... but hear me out...

I have already experienced life with her in the way that she notices everything!  Even bed time has become somewhat of a challenge because she notices things in her room that she wants to touch and interact with.  I try to remind myself that she is a tiny human, and like me she gets distracted by things.  Poor Brandon has already experienced the holidays with me - over-stimulation and too many shiny things to look at... 

My goal for the holidays this year is to take it all in with my little family.  Giving a few minutes to look at the lights, take in the sounds, enjoy the few precious moments we have together.  She won't be little forever, and the holidays should be a time of kindness!

Is going to hurt you to open the door for someone?  Or give an extra ounce of grace to the kiddo or ADULT having a meltdown in the store?  No.  I promise you.  It might actually make you feel GOOD to do something kind for another person.

Your own soul is nourished when you are kind - Proverbs 11:17

How can you show kindness this holiday season?

Day 16 - My Redeemer

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer - Psalm 19:14

This is one of my favorite things to say during prayer... but sometimes I forget.  We have a Pastor at our church that starts every prayer with "Lord, we love ya!"  Every time I hear him pray, I always smile!  I love that kind of heart!

Think about it... what do you tell your spouse every day?  "I love you"  What do you tell you kids every day?  What do you even tell your pets from time to time?  Don't worry, everyone does!

Shouldn't we tell the Lord how much we love Him too?  This spirit of "Lord, we love ya" reminds me of this Psalm - to be mindful of the words we speak AND the words we THINK!!  Let that one sink in for a moment... 

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer - Psalm 19:14

Are your words pleasing??

Day 15 - A Little Bit Later Than Normal...

Words are such important things to be careful with.

This one kind of struck me today... I just had a meeting with my manager to make sure that I am on track for my goals and to get a really good review for 2018.  She said something that will hopefully stick with me.

Rather than saying "there are some areas that you aren't doing well"  She said something like "How can we identify areas of opportunity, both good and bad"  Now, she was just using this as an example, as I have done really well this year.  

It spoke volumes to me that she was looking at things from a positive perspective, instead of negative.  

Today, St. Louis was hit with a snow storm... making the commute to work a horrible experience.  When I woke up, I was bummed that we didn't have a snow day, but then I thought of the fact that this will be Diana's first experience with snow.  We bundled her up and took her out on our back porch.  I leaned down with her the arm rail of our deck and watched as she put her hand in the snow for the first time.  She didn't care for it at all!!  When we put a tiny bit in her mouth, she acted like it was a lemon or something!

What does this have to do with words?  Well... I woke up ready to scream and cry over the weather, but ended up crying laughing over the reaction my kiddo had to snow!  While the words weren't verbalized, they were in my thoughts... and that can end up WORSE than verbal words!

People, whether they believe it or not, are sensitive creatures.  Words are like a double edged sword... they can cut.  Sometimes to the core!  Words have the power to lift people up, or bring people down.  They can fill them with joy, or fill them with pain.  Words can make you laugh, they can make you cry.  Be careful!

If I could teach Diana anything it would be to be tender with her words.  She has no idea how she could change the world with 1 word.

Words are such important things to be careful with.

How are YOU being careful with your words??

Day 14 - Love

He is like a Father to us, tender and sympathetic - Psalm 103:13

Diana is 7 months old today.  I can't even begin to tell you how much our lives have changed in the last 7 months!  She has showed us how much patience we really have, she has filled a void in our hearts that we didn't know we had, and she has shown us how to love tenderly and unconditionally!

Our evening routine is as follows:  I pick her up from my mom on my way home from work, we get in the door where daddy usually has dinner in process, and I take her out of her seat (and now, with the recent cold snap, I also unbundle her...)  She goes into her bouncy seat exersaucer thing and plays while I get myself together for the evening - usually putting my pajamas on.  

After dinner is my favorite part!  This is when Brandon puts her on her blanket with some of her favorite toys, and he gets down and plays with her.  I don't know if he notices that I watch him all the time with her, but seeing him take on his role as "father" really melts my heart!

Brandon HATES to see Diana cry.  He HATES to see her in pain and unable to tell us what is wrong (lately, her new teeth!!)  He will go to great lengths to make sure that both of us - Diana and myself - are taken care of.  Believe me when I say, I got one of the best ones in him!! Something I know very well, and do not take for granted.

If Brandon loves her so much, how much more does our Heavenly Father love us?  If Brandon is heartbroken every time she cries, or has a pain, or is anything but happy... how much more does our Heavenly Father feel these things?  We live and exist in a fractured creation, separate from God... how much does it hurt His heart to see us from a distance?  

I once told a grieving friend that God understands us better than we think.  He understands the broken heart from the perspective of a father, He just wants to love His children and be loved in return - He understands the broken heart from the perspective of the broken hearted, Jesus wept too... - He understands the broken heart from the perspective of the Comforter - the Holy Spirit, who surrounds us!  He understands on a level that we don't quite understand yet.

He is like a father to us, tender and sympathetic - Psalm 103:13

Are you loving tenderly and sympathetically?

Day 13 - Bless the Lord - Warning, part of my testimony is included here

The lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting - Psalm 103:17

This is another one that I had to go back and read the WHOLE text before being able to write anything... this Psalm is LOADED with song material!!

This is where "I will bless the Lord, oh my soul!  And all that is within me, bless His Holy name" comes from.  It's an old hymn and we sing it every once in a while at church.

This is also where the song we learned at church camp comes from "Bless the Lord thy God of Israel from everlasting (lasting) to everlasting (lasting)" My church camp friends should remember!!

The Psalm is pretty much referring to the fact that all things will eventually go away, but the Lord will remain forever!  What a promise!!

When I was running around like a wild woman, in my 20s, I was also running from God.  I would even go so far as to say that God didn't exist... Even though I was acting like a jerk and was very angry at the "Church", He still remained.  There were times when I would wake up, having no clue how I got home... He was still there!

The day I turned it all over to Him, I gave Him an ultimatum... I prayed for the first time in years and said audibly "if You are real, if You truly love me in spite of myself, then stop me!" I had every intention of taking my own life that day.  I had it all figured out of how I was going to do it, how I was going to do it, all I had to do was get out of my bed and take care of it.  I said this as I was heading to get the knife...

When I said these words, I felt physical arms wrap around me and I heard an audible voice say "Let not your heart be troubled" and I fell into a deep, restful sleep.  While the words I said and the words I heard have nothing to do with this scripture, Gods love was still with me!  Through all of the things I did and said, He never left.  

The lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting - Psalm 103:17

How has His love never failed you?

Day 12 - Unconditional Love

God loves you no matter what.

This has always been very hard for me to accept.  Why?  Because the only "relationships" I am familiar with are earthly relationships... people are very slow to forgive and even slower to love unconditionally.

When I look at my daughter, I cannot help but love her!  She is so small and innocent.  She is learning all sorts of things, and doesn't seem to miss anything going on around her!  When I watch her, sometimes I think about how God can love us like this.

I mess up.  I mess up all the time!  And yet, God loves me no matter what!

If I love my daughter so unconditionally - because no matter what this little girl does, no matter how far she runs, I will always love her!  She will always be my daughter.  It's hard to imagine her doing anything that would cause me to not love her...

Why do we have a tendency to doubt God's love?

Day 11 - Veteran's Day

He is the God who keeps every promise - Psalm 146:6

My favorite soldier (my Papa) never really spoke about his service.  He never told about his time in Italy, and never pushed any of us to join the military.  He did, however, teach his whole family to trust in God.

I don't have much to say today, but I want to for sure thank every veteran who has served.  Even if I don't agree with the conflict, I still appreciate your willingness to put your life on the line so that I can continue living mine.

I appreciate your sacrifice and every thing that you have had to endure.  

Day 10 - Head up!!

Head up, shoulders back, thoughts positive, heart set on the promises of God.

This one is hard... Why?  Because... well... life happens.  It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day and forget all the things that God promised.

Sometimes people forget that God never once promised that life would be easy - especially once you start living your life for Him.  It's never been all roses and dew drops!  In fact, it's been very VERY hard.

For example... it was laid on my heart to work in missions in some way shape or form.  Honestly, I thought that I had found my calling!!  And then it all fell to pieces around me.  While it was not for lack of trying or prayer, it just didn't work out.  I figured by now I would be working with the Sew Into Haiti project full time and would have more than 3 trips under my belt... but sadly, that is not in my path anymore - at least for the moment.

When things got hard, I took it personal.  Like God was dangling my calling in front of my face, and then yanked it away when I jumped in with both feet... that wasn't the case at all!  It wasn't His design that caused it all to break apart, but the choices of "man" and that's OK!

God promised He would fight for us, we need only be still - Exodus 14:14

He promises strength to the weak - Isaiah too many to list!! (I love the book of Isaiah - if you ever need motivation, turn there and just read!!)

What He never promised was that it would be easy, but He promised to never leave us or forsake us!! To me, that is a promise worth turning towards - even when I feel like Rambo up there... 

Do you have your heart set on God's promises?

Day 9 - Trust

Trust the Lord completely - Proverbs 3:5

Today's reminder was so awesome to see this morning!  It made me think about the ways I trust in the Lord (and the ways I don't... to which I try to remind myself that He has my life under control...) And then I started thinking about the influences in my life and how they trust.  Which brought my grandparents (in the picture above) to mind.

Their story is so sweet and incredibly real, I HAVE to share with you today!!

My Ninny and Papa (Mabel and Harlon Keel) met on a blind date... apparently her cousin was asked out on a date, and asked to bring 2 of her friends.  My Papa and his cousins were the dates!  The way it apparently worked is that whoever got in the car first had first pick of the boys and so on.  Luckily, Ninny was picked up first!  She got in the car and saw my Papa in the back.  The rest is history!  

When she was alive, she told me that she knew the moment she saw him that he was made just for her.  He said the same thing, in a totally different and unrelated moment.  They truly loved each other!  

They dated for approximately 2 years before Papa was called up to do his duty for his country.  He was about to be shipped out to Italy during WW2, and he wanted to marry her before he left!  He had 2 days furlough in North Carolina, and she had to get there!  She started packing, and had a specific dress in mind to wear on her wedding day.  Her mother, Great Grandma Covington, noticed that she kept packing the dress... so Great Grandma would take the dress out.  This apparently went on all evening, until finally Ninny had to leave - without the dress.  Little did Great Grandma know that a simple dress would not keep her from the love of her life!

On December 9, 1943, in North Carolina, they were married by a Justice of the Peace in his office!  Papa was so nervous, he dropped the wedding ring... it rolled under the judges desk, and Papa - in uniform, no less - got down on his hands and knees to find the ring!  I can only imagine the laughter that came out of the office!!

I am told that the next day, Papa was on his way to Italy and Ninny was on her way back home.  She trusted God would bring Papa home to her - I mean, He brought him into her life, why would He take him away so soon?

Papa came home from the war!! Not entirely unscathed (he was wounded and awarded a purple heart) but he was home!  They spent the years building their lives together, but Papa took up drinking.  He would go out every night, drink till he couldn't hardly walk, and then come home.  In the morning, Ninny would get him ready for work while getting the kids ready for school.  They lived like this for a while... Ninny always trusting that God would take care of the family, would eventually sober Papa up, and provide for them.

Great Grandma Covington came to live with them at one point, and would always ask Papa to drive her to local revivals.  Papa would take her, but would sit in his car and drink while listening to the music.  He said that was his favorite part.  The music.  One night, a song struck Papa in just the right way that he got out of his car, stumbled to the alter (cause he had been drinking) and gave his life over to Christ.  From that moment, he was sober and never drank another drop!  He turned his whole family over, and was never the same!!  If the church doors were open, the family was in church.  It's amazing, the restoration that God can do!

In 1968 or 1969, their youngest daughter was diagnosed with cancer... I won't go into it, but the whole family kept trusting God.  He would make her well.  When she died in 1972, she believed that Jesus would be the one greeting her in Heaven!  Ninny and Papa continued to trust that God was in control and would have the whole situation in His hands.

My whole life, I knew that they trusted God for everything.  Finances, Health, Safety, EVERYTHING.  When something happened, they prayed.  When tragedy struck, they prayed.  Even when I was going through my alcoholism and running wild, they never stopped trusting that God was in control.  

The day Papa died, Ninny prayed and said that she trusted that God knew what He was doing.  She missed him so much, but she never lost her faith.  Not through Papa being in Italy, not through Papa's drinking, or through Terri Jean's cancer, or any other bit of life that came their way.  They trusted God for every step.

So, when I saw today's verse, I knew exactly what I needed to share - the story of Ninny and Papa Keel.  

I miss them so much that sometimes it physically hurts.  They were so very important to me, and they made sure I knew how important I was to them!  So many things they taught me, and one major thing is trusting the Lord in all things.

Trust the Lord completely - Proverbs 3:5

Are you trusting Him completely?  What is holding you back?

Day 8 - Knowing Your Heart

God, who knows all hearts, knows your. - Proverbs 24:12

Not going to lie... I had a hard time with this one today.  I wasn't sure of the context of this, and couldn't really decide what to write to you all today... so I set out to do some research.

Turns out, this scripture basically falls into a chapter that refers to the "Good Samaritan" story.  We all know this one, right?  Guy gets beaten and left in the road.  2 people avoid the man, but a Samaritan saves the day - even goes out of his way to make sure the man is cared for and is returned to health, even after he has to leave the man.

Today's Proverb is basically reminding the reader that God knows your heart in all situations.  If you see someone who needs help, and you don't, God will hold you accountable.  God considers your motivations and actions. 

We started watching a new show on TV called "New Amsterdam" and one of the first things the new doctor says when he gathers his department heads together is "how can I help?"  I don't know why that question struck me, but it really has.  In all aspects of life, I find myself wondering "how can I help?"  It might be offering a kind word when I see a post of a friend that sounds like they are in a dark place, it might be cleaning up my house so Brandon doesn't have to worry about it, it could be anything.

I am not suggesting that you do things without considering consequence... don't be "foolish" but consider the situation, consider your gifts, and then ask yourself "How can I help?" especially knowing that God will examine your heart.

How are you helping?

Day 7 - Fragile Things

The heart is a fragile thing, it can't be trusted to just anyone.  Thank goodness God isn't anyone.

My dad taught me a lot of things growing up.  Things that didn't make sense then, but now that I am a mom they totally apply!  Things that made sense then, and some I used and some I didn't.  One of the things that he always was reminding me was to "guard my heart".  When I was needing advice in high school, and running around like a wild woman in my twenties, his response was always "guard your heart"

This was one of those things that I sometimes did and sometimes didn't.

I would jump from relationship to relationship.  I would protect my own heart, but I had a bad habit of getting selfish and stop being fragile with someone else's heart.  The majority of my twenties was spent soaked in alcohol, I wasn't a nice person... I openly admit that.  Some of the situations I 

Now that I am a mom, if I can teach Diana anything it would be to guard her heart.  But also to be fragile with other's hearts as well.  People are tender, even when they act tough.  Matters of the heart are typically always fragile things.

I can only hope that my daughter will guard her heart as well.

How well do you guard your heart?  

Day 6 - Direction

In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you. - Proverbs 3:6

This time last year, I was finally coming to terms with my gestational diabetes.  The only way I could get through giving myself nightly shots was to pray before.  Prayer to calm my nerves, to remind me of WHY I was going through this, and to give thanks for the opportunity to even be where I was.

Today, I find myself praying daily for guidance not just in parenthood, but in every aspect of my life.  When I find myself struggling with anxiety, I try (because I don't always in the moment) to remember that He is guiding me even when I am panicked.  When I find myself questioning, I am reminded that He is guiding my every step!  

Our bedtime routine is very simple - book, songs, prayer, bed.

Book - usually 1 or 2 depending on the length and how sleepy she is acting (lately, it hasn't been any thanks to her falling asleep early...)

Songs - Always old southern gospel songs that I grew up singing.  She seems to enjoy the Goodman's, but the one she that always makes her lay still is There's Just Something About that Name.  

Prayer - Always starts with thanking Him for safety and guidance through the day, asking for angels to watch over us while we sleep, asking for protection over daddy as he is at work and driving home, and to guide us through tomorrow - either by keeping us safe or giving us an opportunity to be the Hands and Feet to someone else.

I doubt Diana understands what we are doing, but I know that I am trying to raise her to keep God first in all things.  Pray about each opportunity, blessing, and situation to do the right thing.  My Ninny ALWAYS prayed over me - I am convinced that her prayers are why I am still here today.  

Even if Diana grows up and chooses not to be involved in church, I want to give her a firm foundation to stand on.  I want to give her every opportunity to allow God to be first in her life.  While I fail every day, I always try to keep God first and allow Him to direct and guide.

How do you keep God first?

The 5th of November...

God is in control - Let go!

Truthfully, the meme and today's entry has zero to do with each other... I am just a V for Vendetta fan and today is Guy Fawkes day (the gunpowder, treason, and plot...) 

Today's daily reminder is quite fitting, don't you think?

How many things do you try to control in life?  I could make a laundry list, and it STILL wouldn't include everything.  Before I started my anxiety medication, I would literally lay awake at night and make mental lists of everything - what I had to get done the next day, what I would like to get done for the week, where I messed up, anything to do with Diana, anything to do with Brandon... 

Does anyone watch "This is Us"?? We do! Trying not to give anything away, but if you saw last week's episode... Toby was in a state of "You don't deserve my crazy, and you are going to leave at any moment anyway, so I am going to distance myself NOW so I can survive later" that was me... until I started my meds.  I just KNEW that Brandon was going to get sick of my constant worry, and I just KNEW I would be looked at as an unfit mother for whatever reason.

It's a horrible way to live.  Unfortunately, most new moms live in this perpetual state... and most of the time, it spirals out of control until bad things, irreversible things happen.

Then I look at today's quote and remember that God is in control of my life, even when I am spiraling out.  He knows me future and my past, and He still chooses not to let go of me.  So, when I am rational and remember this, I find myself thinking "why am I hanging on to these lies about myself?" and then I attempt to "let go" - which is not easy...

When things start to spin out, try to listen for that still, small voice reminding you that He in control!  

What do you need to let go of today?

Day 4 - Great!

How great He is!  His power is absolute!  His understanding is unlimited - Psalm 147:5

I absolutely LOVE this song in the video above!  While the song is not taken directly from the daily scripture, it still rings true!  Through it all, He is great!

How does the daily scripture speak to you today?

Day 3 - Angry Much?

You are merciful and gentle, Lord, slow in getting angry, full of constant lovingkindness - Psalm 86:15

Day 3

The reason I find this meme so funny is because I honestly said that to Diana one night... Before Diana was born, I was nervous.  See, I had 2 types of grandmothers growing up... I had a grandmother who was God on earth!  She was beautiful inside and out, loved everyone unconditionally, and was the truest definition of "Grandmother"

Then, I had another Grandma... she wasn't very nice.  She had her favorites, and she made sure to let everyone else know that you were NOT her favorite.  Thankfully for me, I somehow made the cut of being a favorite... but I still saw many things that were what I consider traumatic.  The one thing I will always remember about her is that she had a horribly quick temper.  And that is all I am going to say about her, because like other things of my past, I don't want to go into her...

Her quick temper always scared me... and I spent a lot of my adult life trying NOT to have her quick temper.  There was a time when I was sure that I was just like her... and fast forwarding to parenting, that terrified me.

My mom gave me a great piece of advice "Just remember, Diana can only communicate with you by facial expressions and screams or cries.  She can't tell you what hurts, or that she is hungry, or that she is tired.  So, when her cries won't stop, just remember she is getting frustrated too"

The hospital stay was so wonderful, I thought we had it all figured out and that we could handle anything!! And then we went home...

The first night, we spent most of the night trying to calm Diana who basically cried the whole time.  I started thinking things like "we made a mistake.  I can't believe they sent her home with us... I am not cut out for this.  I am not ready yet" and I had a melt down.  I was an emotional wreck too... my hormones were no where near regulated, I was already showing signs of Postpartum Anxiety, and I just knew that I was not going to be a good mother...

After my break down, I pulled myself together enough to realize and remember that Diana had no other way of telling me something wasn't right.  I started repeating that fact to myself and that I needed to be slow to anger.  Which led me down a path of "if I have to remind myself to be slow to anger with an innocent new born, how much more merciful is our Heavenly Father to be slow to anger with me?!"

So the meme... one night, she was screaming and I said something like "for sure, you don't have to scream in my face!" of course I said it jokingly, and Brandon heard me say it over the baby monitor.  We still laugh about that when she is fussing and having a moment.

When we are faced with things that are out of our own control that could potentially make us very angry, just try to remember to be slow to anger.  The stress level will immediately fall.

You are merciful and gentle, Lord, slow in getting angry, full of constant lovingkindness - Psalm 86:15

How can you be slow to anger?  How can you be kind, when you feel like blowing your lid?  How much more gentle is God with us in our moments?

Day 2 - Going Strong!!

With such an enormous amount of stuff to be learned, there are a million reasons to thank God for being patient with us.

Day 2

Today is an extremely special day in the Loness household!  6 years ago today, we began dating.  5 years ago today, we said "heck ya!" or, as normal people would say, "I do"

To say that this is one of the absolute best days of my life is an understatement.  It is also extremely fitting to think that God sat back and was patient with me, instead of giving up on me.

Some background - I spent most of my 20's living my life for me and me alone.  I was drinking HEAVILY, running wild, and would even go so far to say that God didn't exist.  I won't bore you with the details, because honestly I don't live there anymore - and THAT is the point!

After an awesomely amazing life changing God encounter (which is a whole other blog post, so you will just have to take my word for it... sorry...) I started living my life for God.  I went back to church for the first in May of 2010.

What I didn't realize (and this is why I KNOW that God was being patient with me...) is that Brandon was in the background also being patient with me... He can tell you the date, time, sermon, what I was wearing, where I sat, who I was with, and every single detail of the first Sunday he saw me.

In August of 2012, we became Facebook friends.  Just chatting back and forth, commenting on each other's posts and such.  Finally, after a few weeks of this, I messaged him.  We joke that our song is "Call me Maybe" because the message I sent basically said "hey, I don't mean to sound like that song, but here is my number so call me... sometime"  or something to that effect.  The rest is history.

You are probably asking yourself "why did you guys wait so long to become friends, etc." well... I don't have a good answer for that, other than the fact that had we met before 2012, Brandon may not have liked me much.  I was still working on getting sober, I was still working through some depression, and the last thing on my mind was a relationship.  God was doing an amazing restoration work in me, and a relationship before the perfect moment would only prove to be a bad idea (believe me, I tried... and I was for sure not ready!)

We hung out at a friend's birthday bonfire (which has a hysterical story of me giving horrible directions, and Brandon showing up anyway!) and the following weekend, we decided to give it a try.  I had started pouring my guts out to Brandon, filling him on my life and where I had been with God.  He said that he had no plans of going anywhere, really liked me and would be patient. 

We started dating 11/02/2012.  We got engaged 12/25/2012.  We were married 11/02/2013.

This is where I believe God was patient with me... There were times when I tried to rush ahead of God's perfect plan and tried to "date" - even had a live in boyfriend that obviously didn't work out at all!  I tried to rush ahead of the perfect plan and tried to move to Texas - obviously that wasn't in the works either.  So many things I would try to push ahead of the plan and it would blow up in my face.  Finally, I started to pray "Bring me the person you made for me" and stopped trying so hard.  No, I just stopped trying. Period.  I started trying to focus on loving myself and becoming the person I needed to be.  And then the friend request from Brandon came in.

We probably could have started dating sooner, but I was being stubborn and was trying to stick to the "focus on me, obviously I need to be single for now"

Here we are, 6 years later and I know that God made Brandon for me and me for him!  I am honestly not sure what the definition of a "Perfect Marriage" is, but if you asked me my definition, I would tell you it's ours!  We are friends, we love each other in spite of our faults, we are weird together, we have fun together... I can't really explain it.  He makes me better, and he says I make him better.

If you are in a place where you feel like God is stretching you and growing you, but you are trying to do other things, just stop and give Him a chance!  God has amazing things in store for you!

I had to learn a million little lessons before I could make even a half way decent wife.  Ask anyone I previously dated... they will tell you that I was not a good partner to have...  That all changed when I started trying to become a better person, get sober, and remember that marriage of any kind is not a self serving thing.

I don't even want to go into the things I have had to learn in order to be a mom... whew!!

With such an enormous amount of stuff to be learned, there are a million reasons to thank God for being patient with us.

What can you thank God for being patient with you for? 

Thankful November

I am challenging myself this November... to try and blog on something I am thankful for every day.  Using my desk calendar as a helpful guide, I am going to do my best to list how the daily words apply to my life... Maybe you could leave a comment on how the daily words apply to yours?  Or just read along and let my daily entry make your heart smile.  It's entirely up to you!  I am just hoping to get people involved in discussion and turn negative daily thoughts into positive ones!!

day 1 - November 1, 2018:

Lord, with all my heart I thank you - Psalm 138:1

Last year, according to facebook, I was gratefully complaining!  I was posting about how I was eternally grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant, after years of trying and doctors telling me that it would never happen.  I was also complaining because I spent most of my pregnancy in pain and at the doctor's offices 4-5 times a week... 

I wouldn't trade any moment for the world, and if I had to go through it all again to get Diana here I would do it without question.

This year, these words mean just a tiny bit more to me!  I am eternally grateful that Diana got here fairly uneventfully, safely, and there are no residual issues with either of us.  Things could have gone so much worse than my just having gestation diabetes.  Especially with my diagnosis of PCOS and the various issues that come along with it.  

I am thankful for my husband who still maintains sanity in our household.  He takes care of Diana so wonderfully!  I love watching him with her.  He takes care of me when my anxiety makes life unbearable.  He takes care of himself when I am taking care of Diana and my forever long list of things to get done on given days.

I am thankful for our parents - for giving us the knowledge and support to handle parenthood with some sense of style and huge helping of grace.  When we don't know, they do!  When I panic about things, they remind me to laugh, take a deep breath, and that I am handling life beautifully!

I am thankful for my "village" (you should know who you all are!!) for loving Diana as their own.  Who never say "no" to a last minute "can you hang with her for a bit" Who are forever bringing her clothes, toys, or just time for baby hangs and hilarious pictures!  She is one loved little lady - I hope she never forgets that or takes it for granted.

Finally, I am thankful for my little girl.  She has taught me so much about myself in the last 6 months of her earth side life.  She taught me how much I can handle.  She taught me that I sure don't give myself enough credit - as a wife, mother, or woman in general.  She loves me unconditionally - even on hard days when my anxiety is too much.  Her little smile makes my world stop spinning out of control and I focus on the important things right in front of me.  I am learning new and beautiful things by watching her learn and grow (hey already in 12 months clothes... that won't last long!) And we still have a whole lifetime to go!

Today, I got to work FURIOUS about traffic and things that I watched people do (READING A BOOK WHILE DRIVING!!!!) Then I got to work and saw my desk calendar... and then I started thinking about this challenge to myself.

Lord, with all my heart I thank you. Psalm 138:1

What are you thanking the Lord for today?

#ThankfulNovember

Holiday Road!!

Well... we survived!  And it sure wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Let's see if I can organize this to possibly help you - should you take on this daunting task.

First... packing - Since the weather here in the Midwest has a tendency to change every other minute, I way over packed...

The suitcase:  I packed literally every piece of clothing this kiddo could fit in to!!  My mom suggested 2 long sleeve outfits per day, 2 short sleeve outfits per day, 2 pairs of long pants per day, and PLENTY of plain white onesies to use as under shirts.  3 sleepers - 1 light, 1 heavy, and 1 sleep sack.  Socks, shoes, and hair bows (my daughter still has no hair...)  an open 27 pack of diapers (some went in her diaper bag... I will get to that), an extra pack of wipes, a few toys for tummy time, a night light (Diana has never slept in a completely dark room since the day she was born...) and finally a queen size quilt to go under her bed (I will get to that as well) OH!  I also took her snuza that she wears every night, and extra batteries - a momma can never be too prepared when it comes to her sleeping babe.

The diaper bag:  I brought 10 diapers, a pack of wipes, diaper cream, changing pad, extra cream, formula measured out, 3 bottles with 6 ounces of distilled water, a receiving blanket, a binky, and a change of clothes.

The Thirty-One tote:  1 gal of distilled water, can of formula, extra bottles, dish soap, bottle brush, enough fruit and veggie purees for 3 days, measured oatmeal cereal for 3 days, apple juice for the oatmeal, utensils, bibs, and highchair cover.

Why the highchair cover?  Well, she is working on sitting up and is doing REALLY well!  But not well enough that I wanted her to sit in a highchair without some padding.  So I brought it along.  It worked out pretty well.

In my dad's suitcase, we were able to pack this bed.  While the bed looks scary for a 6 month old, we took extra precautions - the quilt we packed went on the floor, we blew up the base of the bed, but not the mattress.  Along with the bed, we brought the sheet that she lays on at my mom's house to fully cover the bed.  It worked perfectly!

Along with all of this stuff, she rode down in her car seat - which I belted in to the bus seat - and her stroller for the shopping day!

She slept on the ride down...

She hung out with her Papa Keel (his hat has a great story!  My parents have been hosting trips for 16 years!  The very first trip they hosted, they were the 2nd of 3 busses - color coded BLUE, hence the blue hat.  Makes them easy to pick out in a crowd!  Every trip, they have added something related to the trip)

Diana got her very own hat too! :)  We couldn't find a blue one not covered in glitter, so we bought a black one and added a blue bandana.  She wore it for all of .25 seconds.

This was her ride back...

This was her and daddy hanging out after we got home.  Her whole face just lit up when she saw him!

Now... What did we learn?  First, I learned that I packed WAY TOO MUCH!! There was no need for that many clothes, however with not knowing how the weather was going to be, I might just over pack again next time.

Second, I learned to TAKE MY BABY CARRIER!!!  I didn't realize how far our hotel room was from the on site restaurant we had breakfast and dinner at each day... Especially since it rained the whole day Friday, and it was cold... I had to wrap her in a blanket (I did have a hoody for her, and a sock monkey hat!!) and carry her across the hotel each day... She got heavy after a while.

Third, I learned that most people will extend grace to moms - especially if they see you are doing your best to keep kiddos quiet and happy.  Sometimes, kids cry.  Sometimes, kids fuss.  And no matter what you do, they won't stop.  Fortunately, I did not have that experience.  She was happy the whole trip, and even let other people hold her and play with her so mom could have a few minute break.

We took a pair of noise reducing headphones for her, but she slept through the 2 shows and didn't act like the noise was bothering her.

I also suggest that should you try to do this by yourself with your little one, do your best to keep to their schedule.  Even if she was in her seat, I did my best to keep bottles at the ready for when she was hungry and made sure to take her out of her seat for a stretch at each stop.  Even if she didn't get to be on her tummy until we got to the hotel, she still enjoyed the few minutes out of her seat.

I think my next post will be an entire review of the trip, because I gotta tell you - my parents work HARD on these trips!  They plan everything so all you have to do is show up, sit back, and enjoy yourself!  They plan meals, shows, rooms, they even provide entertainment on the bus on the way down!  Complete with soda, water, candy, and goody bags available to everyone.  They do a great job, and most people don't even know half of the work that goes into the planning on the trips.  Granted, they have it down to a science, since this was their 16th trip!

Don't be afraid to travel with your littles!  They need experiences, you need the memories, and it was a lot of fun to watch her experience things for the first time!

Sisterhood of the Traveling 6 Month Old

This little bug will be 6 months old on Sunday... Mom is not handling it well, at all!  She is hitting a ton of milestones - attempting to crawl, enjoying (homemade) purees, grabbing things, teething... but I want her to stay little!  I mean, I want her to grow up, because it has been the wildest ride watching her grown and change.  But I sure am going to miss my little, tiny bundle!!

Along with turning 6 months old on Sunday, she is also getting ready to go on her first ever "vacation"  My parents host a bus trip to Branson every year for our church, and I have been going to help out and also take TONS of pictures!  Last year, I went while I was almost 4 months pregnant - that was a nauseating trip (I was still in the throwing my guts up constantly stage...) but I always ALWAYS have a great time!  Spending time with my parents, and spending time with the people of our church always results in a wonderful trip!!

This time, though, will be completely different.  Taking Diana with me is making me very anxious... I worry that she will scream the whole ride down and back, I worry that she will annoy the people on the bus who are planning to have a relaxing trip, I worry that I am going to forget something, and all of this is just made 103848701048 times worse thanks to my stupid postpartum anxiety...

I don't even want to tell you how many lists I have started just to make sure that I don't forget a single thing... or that I have asked my mom to come help me pack to make sure I have covered it all.  Oy, this is nerve wracking.

So, here I am, dear reader!! Telling you that even 6 months in, I still don't have it all together :)  And that's ok!

What are your packing tips?  What are the do's?  What are the don'ts?

Also... Anyone know Amanda Mason??  She won the Snuza, but has not responded to me about the prize!! Anyone?? Anyone?? Bueller??

It's Over...

Thanks to PCOS, I knew from the very start that breast feeding was probably going to be difficult.  When we found out we were pregnant, we both agreed that I should attempt breast feeding - even if it only worked out for a short time.

I gave myself some goals - make it through her first week and see what her pediatrician says.  Her weight checked out perfectly, so I decided to make it until the next check up.  Then the next, then the end of maternity leave, and finally 6 months!

Here we are, 2 weeks shy of her 6 month "birthday" and I am still breast feeding - sort of.  She usually takes 7-10 ounces a day while I am at work... I am not pumping nearly enough.  On a good day, I will pump 8 ounces.  There are some days when I am lucky enough to pump 5 ounces... While I am extremely pro breast feeding, I will ALWAYS agree that fed is best.

Breast feeding is hard... When I am with Diana, I know that every 4 hours - no matter what I am doing, or trying to get done - I will have a tiny human attached to me.  I have horrible anxiety (still) about breast feeding her in public.  Not because I don't know my rights, I am very well aware of them actually.  I just have horrible body image of myself, so the thought of any type of exposure OR confrontation from a complete stranger, I just can't handle it.  Though, on the occasion that I see another breast feeding mom, I always remind her of how awesome she is and throw a fist pump her way!

I guess I am one of the lucky ones... I have never experienced mastitis, only had a clogged duct one time, and I have never experienced cracked or otherwise damaged nipples (overshare??) It's been a beautiful experience.  I feel I have truly bonded with my daughter in a way that no one else ever could.  I feel I have given my daughter life in a way that no one else could, by way of being her food source.  I will always be eternally grateful to even have this experience, because most PCOS moms never do.

I have tried all of the "tricks" from more water, lactation cookies, oatmeal for breakfast, various drinks and other foods, but I am still unable to produce enough to exclusively breast feed.  This week, we have started supplementing 1 bottle with formula and see how it goes.  I will also continue to pump at work, because even if I can only give her 1 bottle through out the day I will! I will also continue to attempt to nurse in the morning and before she goes to bed.

Honestly, I am trying not to beat myself up over this - I gave it my absolute best!  I have done all I know to do, but I also know that my daughter needs to eat to live...

I will also forever continue to support new momma's in their journeys - whether breast feeding or not!  Everyone needs someone to be their cheerleader!  What works for you may not have worked for me, but we are Momma's and in this together.

Man I am Tired...

Is anyone else just flat out tired?!?!?!

We took a staycation last week to get some things done around our house - got our trees trimmed in the back yard (totally fascinating to watch), painted our front and back doors, got some landscaping done, you know... standard staycation stuff. 

What really makes me laugh about our staycation was bed time.  Diana would go down like normal, between 8 and 9, and sleep through the night like she usually does... and we would also go to bed shortly after... All I could think is that we are truly in our 30s now, going to bed so early!  However, in our defense, we also got up and started our day when Diana woke up - between 9 and 10. 

Yes, our 5 month old not only sleeps through the night, but also sleeps for extremely long stretches!!  I don't know how we do it, other than keep to a strict bedtime routine... but she sleeps perfectly!  AND she naps too!

Prior to miss Bonus Loness' arrival, our staycations consisted of staying up all night playing video games, sleeping all day, going to the movies nearly every day, and random trips to wherever... it's crazy how babes can change everything.  No complaints, just telling the truth.

I also noticed something about our staycation... parenting, especially new parenting, is extremely isolating... You can't just drop everything to go do whatever.  And sometimes you don't even want to.  We spent pretty much our entire time as a family of 3 - it was the best staycation ever!!  While we didn't get everything checked off of our list, we spent plenty of family time.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

Honestly, while I am extremely tired (which makes no sense...) I am so excited for future vacations as a family of 3 :)  To just hang with my best friend, and our best babe... nothing can top that.

And The Winner Is...

CONGRATULATIONS AMANDA MASON!!

Thank you SO MUCH to all who participated!  I can promise you, this will be the first of MANY give away's to come!

Everyone have a great weekend!  I hope to have another contest in October, and each month going forward, so stay tuned!!!

Rock Star Moms

I came back to work in July... and let me tell you - IT WAS HARD!!  I had just spent the last 12 weeks being my babe's total life line!  I fed her - literally, as we are heading towards month 5 of exclusively breast feeding - I changed her, played with her, held her while she napped... I didn't want to leave any of that.

Unfortunately, society makes it extra difficult for a parent to stay home and raise their child.  So... until we win the lottery, we both work 40 hours a week.

My goal is to make it to 6 months of breast feeding, so that means I have to pump when I am not with her.  The thought of having to pump at work just stressed me out!  Between making sure I have all of my supplies with me, making sure I have lunch at work, making sure I get out of the house on time, AND get the baby to my mom's house was a LOT to carry in the morning.

After about a week of trying to get myself together and NOT feel like a pack mule, I have the following items here at work with me:

My breast pump - My insurance company paid for my pump and went through Aeroflow. They took care of everything!  I went with the Medela.

In my pump bag, I keep the following:

     +4 flanges so that I can use 1 set during the day and have the other set clean for the next day.

     +Some Quick Clean Wipes to use between sessions

     +Norwex Napkins that I use in place of paper towels - let's face it... pumping can get messy

At my desk, I keep the following:

     +1 box of Kiinde storage bags, and order more when I run low

     +Additional packages of wipes, and order more when I run low

     +Norwex Dish Detergent to wash my pump parts each day

     +Boon Drying Patch to let the pump parts dry over night

     +Bottle Brush

Thankfully, all of these items are stored, and locked, safely in my desk.  Plus, all of my supplies are here, so I don't have to try and remember anything else.

I also keep frozen lunches here in the office freezer, and a plethora of snacks - because let's face it, breast feeding makes me HUNGRY!! I even keep lactation cookies at my desk!  They don't help everyone, but they help me AND they taste good!  I wouldn't keep them if they didn't.

Hope this helps you Momma, as you prepare to return to work.  You got this!!

Postpartum Anxiety Update

To start at the beginning, I started medication about 2 weeks ago... If you want to read about it, click here.

After a brief discussion with my doctor, she decided to start me on 10mgs of Celexa, and so far I have noticed a tremendous difference!  I feel like myself, which I hadn't for a long time.

The few people I have talked to about it have all asked me the same question - "Why didn't you say anything?"  Well, the answer is very simple, yet completely difficult.  Especially if you have ever dealt with anxiety.

I didn't say anything to anyone, because my anxiety ridden mind was telling me that "everything was fine" or "No one will believe me, since I have talked about it so much" and "I don't want to burden anyone with it" when all of these things were absolutely not true.

Everything was NOT fine - I was hardly sleeping for a couple reasons.  First, we all know how hard it was for us to get pregnant, so now I am scared to death that something horrible is going to happen - but it has gotten much better for me in just the 2 short weeks of being on medication.  I would lay in bed waiting for her Snuza to go off.

SHAMELESS PLUG!! There is still time to enter the contest here

Second, Brandon works midnight's... so I would lay in bed and wait for someone to try and break in to our house.  Now, our neighborhood, for the most part, is quiet.  Aside from a few minor incidents, nothing happens around us... but when my mind spirals out of control, this is one of my fears - Someone will break in and will either take Diana (apparently abduction attempts have been happening in our area too) or I won't be able to get to her to keep her safe from someone

The few people I have shared with have believed me, and in fact mentioned that they thought something was off but didn't know how to approach me without upsetting me.  Seriously - from someone who is getting help - say something!  If you notice a new mom struggling, say something.  Especially if they have already made mention that PPD of any kind could potentially spring up.  Even if they get mad at you - say something!  It could save a life!!

The last thing I have been to anyone is a burden.  My mom LOVES keeping Diana during the week, Brandon loves both of us tremendously (yes, I thought otherwise... anxiety sucks!!) and everyone I have confided in has been amazingly supportive.

I bring all of this up because I know there are other new mommy's out there that DON'T speak up.  For a number of reasons.  Each story is different, but the answer is still the same - GET HELP, SPEAK UP, AND SPEAK OUT!  Share your story! 

Parenting is hard, no matter the stage.  My anxiety didn't show up until after I came back to work.  It's a hard subject, but the consequences of not speaking up are devastating.  We need to be there for each other, not trying to tear each other apart.  Please PLEASE!  Don't let this go.

If you need help, here are some resources.  Talk to your doctor.  Reach out to me!  While I am no professional, I am certainly a good listener!