Well...

Here is a post that I hoped I would never have to write... because I thought I had things under control.  Turns out... I don't.

First - DO NOT PANIC!!  I am fine, we are fine, everyone is fine... But my anxiety is out of control.  My doctor agrees.

Here I am, admitting that I do not have it all together.  Here I am, admitting that my anxiety is overwhelming and spiraling out of control.  Here I am, admitting I am now a statistic.

Over 3 million new moms seek professional help for postpartum depression or anxiety each year - that number ONLY represents the moms who seek help, not the moms who try to handle it on their own... How many moms truly experience this and go without help?

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well, I don't sleep at night because I fully expect Diana's breathing monitor to go off, alerting me that something has gone horribly wrong (we use a Snuza, which clips on her diaper and will sound if she doesn't breath every so often) It was bad when she was born, but is now even worse that she can turn herself over from her back to her tummy.  I have heard "sleep when the baby sleeps" since before she was born... she has slept through the night since about 4 weeks - I should be sleeping too... but I can't. 

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well... I constantly think I am being a burden on everyone in my life.  I even went so far as to think that my mom was actually annoyed with having to keep Diana while I was at work - trust me, this is FAR from the truth!  My mom's greatest joy is watching her during the work week, even misses her when she isn't there...

I could go on and on... but I have held it all inside for as long as I can.  The doctor has been called, appointments have been set, medication has been called in, and reinforcements have been notified.

Let me be perfectly clear - I do not, have not, and do not foresee ANY thoughts of hurting myself, or anyone else.  I admit that I am a worrier, but I shouldn't be worrying this much...

Are you experiencing anything like this?  I encourage you to contact your doctor ASAP!  If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or your babe, or anyone else around you - GO TO THE ER!! We moms do not have to suffer, and we certainly do not have to suffer in silence.  There is so much pressure on us to be "perfect" in all ways - we aren't.  We are delicate creatures that just pushed a human being out of our body!!  We are in this together, we should lift each other up!!

I am here for you!!

Feelings... Whoa Whoa Feelings!

Yesterday was kind of weird.  Between all the feels of hearing about someone being fat shamed... in her gym of all places, to bringing up my own issues... it made yesterday feel kind of weird.

We had muay thai last night, which I haven't really gotten to explain, I don't think.

Muay Thai is basically Thai kickboxing.  You get to kick and punch, but you also get to use your knees and elbows!

So, we go to class last night, and I am frustrated with the fat shaming... The first drill we do is leg kick drills, and while Brandon told me that it didn't feel like I was kicking as hard as I normally do, I was trying to get my frustration out.  And I did accomplish something last night!  I actually landed body kicks!

My hips are not flexible.  Yes, I need yoga.  No, I am not doing yoga at home (but I want to, any youtube suggestions?)  I don't know if it was my frustration levels, the thought that I needed to prove to the fat shamers that they are liars/jerks/jokes/whatevers, or if I am actually just making progress.

After about 20 minutes of leg kick drills, we started with dutch drills.  A quick explanation of dutch drills is this:  You have gloves, I have gloves, aim for each others gloves - giving only about 10-20% of your throws (we don't wear mouth guards yet, not ready to lose my teeth...)

I didn't mean to, but I gave more than that... I never did miss my partner's gloves, and he didn't say I was hitting too hard or anything (we are all very open with that, so we don't get hurt)  But I was frustrated.  I hit harder than my 10-20%.

This got me to thinking... Why do I take things so personally?  My parents have told me that I have always been that way.  That I have always wanted to be the protector and always stood up for the underdog.  But, that right there is what landed me in therapy and on medication a few years ago.

Without going in to it, because I am just not ready yet, I had a mental break down.  My parents were called to my house, and found me in a state that I don't think they have ever seen me in.  I ended up in therapy.

Once I began to trust the process, I actually started to accept the help that I desperately needed!  Before, I thought that the things I was doing to self medicate were helping, now I know and understand that I needed professional help - now I recommend therapy to EVERYONE!!

I made a comment today on facebook that went something like this:  Isn't it wonderful when you find the version of therapy that works for you?!

Muay thai and MMA training has become my therapy.  I can take all of my overflow of emotions to the gym and leave it all on the mat!  I feel lifted up by my gym mates, my husband and I get to enjoy time together doing something GOOD for us, and I leave feeling like a brand new person!

What do you do to keep your emotions in check??