Wacky Wednesday!!

The last few days have been pretty... rough.  I have been in a horrible funk and haven't figured out how to dig myself out.

It started Friday... and I just continued to sink lower and lower into a deep dark depression.  Saturday, I literally stayed in my jammies until 6 when we HAD to go out.  Sunday, I forced myself to get ready and go to church, thinking it would help - it did for the moment.  Sunday night, I sang with my parents at church - that really helped for the moment - and then went back to my in-law's for family night and Super Bowl.  Monday, I cried all the way to work, and then all the way home.  Tuesday was pretty much the same way...

This brings me to today.  Why am I spilling my guts about my 5 day depression?  Because adulting is messy.  I am not perfect, and I never want to pretend to be!  I want YOU to know that if you ever feel the same or are currently feeling the same way, you are not alone.

Yes, I know how desperately hard it is to get out of your own head space - especially when the thoughts are getting darker and darker with each passing minute.  I know it's even harder to put a smile on your face when you feel anything but smiley.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You DO matter!  Your feelings ARE important!

I want this blog to be a safe place - where you feel comfortable to speak your mind, share your thoughts/feelings, where you don't feel alone.  So... how can we connect?  How can we interact?

I woke up this morning feeling better.  Not 100%, but better.  I put makeup on for the first time this morning.  I put on one of my new necklaces with the outfit that I particularly bought the piece for.  When I looked in the mirror, for the first time in a REALLY long time, I liked what I saw!!

Today, tell yourself to stay beautiful.  Say it in whatever way you can to make yourself feel better, or alive in the moment!  Tomorrow may not be like this, but for today - I AM BEAUTIFUL!

Have a Wednesday as AWESOME as you are!!





PS - If you want to view some of the jewelry that I have become obsessed with (thanks to my cousin!!!!) or if you want to chat makeup with my sister, let me know!  I will hook you up and tag you where necessary :)

Postpartum Anxiety Update

To start at the beginning, I started medication about 2 weeks ago... If you want to read about it, click here.

After a brief discussion with my doctor, she decided to start me on 10mgs of Celexa, and so far I have noticed a tremendous difference!  I feel like myself, which I hadn't for a long time.

The few people I have talked to about it have all asked me the same question - "Why didn't you say anything?"  Well, the answer is very simple, yet completely difficult.  Especially if you have ever dealt with anxiety.

I didn't say anything to anyone, because my anxiety ridden mind was telling me that "everything was fine" or "No one will believe me, since I have talked about it so much" and "I don't want to burden anyone with it" when all of these things were absolutely not true.

Everything was NOT fine - I was hardly sleeping for a couple reasons.  First, we all know how hard it was for us to get pregnant, so now I am scared to death that something horrible is going to happen - but it has gotten much better for me in just the 2 short weeks of being on medication.  I would lay in bed waiting for her Snuza to go off.

SHAMELESS PLUG!! There is still time to enter the contest here

Second, Brandon works midnight's... so I would lay in bed and wait for someone to try and break in to our house.  Now, our neighborhood, for the most part, is quiet.  Aside from a few minor incidents, nothing happens around us... but when my mind spirals out of control, this is one of my fears - Someone will break in and will either take Diana (apparently abduction attempts have been happening in our area too) or I won't be able to get to her to keep her safe from someone

The few people I have shared with have believed me, and in fact mentioned that they thought something was off but didn't know how to approach me without upsetting me.  Seriously - from someone who is getting help - say something!  If you notice a new mom struggling, say something.  Especially if they have already made mention that PPD of any kind could potentially spring up.  Even if they get mad at you - say something!  It could save a life!!

The last thing I have been to anyone is a burden.  My mom LOVES keeping Diana during the week, Brandon loves both of us tremendously (yes, I thought otherwise... anxiety sucks!!) and everyone I have confided in has been amazingly supportive.

I bring all of this up because I know there are other new mommy's out there that DON'T speak up.  For a number of reasons.  Each story is different, but the answer is still the same - GET HELP, SPEAK UP, AND SPEAK OUT!  Share your story! 

Parenting is hard, no matter the stage.  My anxiety didn't show up until after I came back to work.  It's a hard subject, but the consequences of not speaking up are devastating.  We need to be there for each other, not trying to tear each other apart.  Please PLEASE!  Don't let this go.

If you need help, here are some resources.  Talk to your doctor.  Reach out to me!  While I am no professional, I am certainly a good listener!

Well...

Here is a post that I hoped I would never have to write... because I thought I had things under control.  Turns out... I don't.

First - DO NOT PANIC!!  I am fine, we are fine, everyone is fine... But my anxiety is out of control.  My doctor agrees.

Here I am, admitting that I do not have it all together.  Here I am, admitting that my anxiety is overwhelming and spiraling out of control.  Here I am, admitting I am now a statistic.

Over 3 million new moms seek professional help for postpartum depression or anxiety each year - that number ONLY represents the moms who seek help, not the moms who try to handle it on their own... How many moms truly experience this and go without help?

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well, I don't sleep at night because I fully expect Diana's breathing monitor to go off, alerting me that something has gone horribly wrong (we use a Snuza, which clips on her diaper and will sound if she doesn't breath every so often) It was bad when she was born, but is now even worse that she can turn herself over from her back to her tummy.  I have heard "sleep when the baby sleeps" since before she was born... she has slept through the night since about 4 weeks - I should be sleeping too... but I can't. 

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well... I constantly think I am being a burden on everyone in my life.  I even went so far as to think that my mom was actually annoyed with having to keep Diana while I was at work - trust me, this is FAR from the truth!  My mom's greatest joy is watching her during the work week, even misses her when she isn't there...

I could go on and on... but I have held it all inside for as long as I can.  The doctor has been called, appointments have been set, medication has been called in, and reinforcements have been notified.

Let me be perfectly clear - I do not, have not, and do not foresee ANY thoughts of hurting myself, or anyone else.  I admit that I am a worrier, but I shouldn't be worrying this much...

Are you experiencing anything like this?  I encourage you to contact your doctor ASAP!  If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or your babe, or anyone else around you - GO TO THE ER!! We moms do not have to suffer, and we certainly do not have to suffer in silence.  There is so much pressure on us to be "perfect" in all ways - we aren't.  We are delicate creatures that just pushed a human being out of our body!!  We are in this together, we should lift each other up!!

I am here for you!!

Postpartum Depression... It's a Real Thing

Most of my posts are usually light hearted, I would even go so far as to say they might even be slightly humorous and even funny... but today's topic isn't so funny.  Actually, it's down right scary.

When we started out on our pregnancy journey, so much information was thrown at me all at once.  What to eat, what not to eat, how to sleep, how not to sleep... Eventually the topic of "What happens after Diana is here" came up.

The usual topics of diapers, feedings, etc. things came up.  One topic that I notice was only brought up by 2 people - my doula and my OB - was Postpartum Depression.  Out of all of the things that I will experience as a new mom, this one terrifies me the most.  Why?  Because no one EVER talks about it.

1 in 7 women (notice I did not say "New Moms" because it can happen on your first child or your 10th!) suffer from postpartum depression.  Besides myself, I can name 7 other women who have either recently given birth, are currently pregnant, or will give birth within the next few weeks.  This statistic shows that at the very least 1 of us will suffer... I am already so worried that it will be me, that I have already talked to my doctor about it.

A little back story - my life has always been great.  I grew up with parents who, even after 38 years, are still happily married.  We didn't have a TON of money growing up, but I always had what I needed and pretty much anything that I wanted.  I still ended up in therapy, on medication, and even landed myself a serious drinking problem by the rip young age of 25... Depression and anxiety are no respecter of person - this disease doesn't care who you are, how old you are, or how good or bad your life is.  Once it takes hold, you claw your way out.

Even now, being off my meds for a quite a few years, being out of therapy for a while, and having a pretty much fairy tale perfect life, I still have days where the depression sneaks in.  There are even days when my anxiety is so bad, I chew my fingers to the bone and drive myself crazy with leg shaking, or repeated actions - sometimes even cleaning!

"Right after I had my second baby, (name redacted per anonymommy's request), is when it hit me hard!  I was literally Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde!! I didn't talk to anyone, including my husband.  I didn't eat or sleep.  All I wanted was my two boys and everyone else could'va fallen off the face of the earth and I wouldn't have cared!!  I tried my hardest to shake it.  But, eventually I realized I couldn't and decided to talk to my OBGYN.  She told me that I should have come in sooner and prescribed me "Happy Pills".  She said that Postpartum Depression could last anywhere from 6 months up to a year.  For me, it was a full year and I eventually returned to my normal self"  Anonymous as requested.

I recently watched a documentary on Netflix called "When the Bough Breaks - a documentary about postpartum depression"  It opened my eyes to a whole world of issues and side effects that come AFTER a baby is born.  Things I never even thought of!  I highly recommend that any new, current, expecting, woman, AND man watch this documentary!  Husbands might see this and learn of symptoms that they may have ignored previously.  I made my mom watch it and I have asked my husband to watch as well - if for no other reason than to help me in the future.

"After I had Andrew (child number 3) was when I hit my super low.  I struggled with depression during my pregnancy because I was on bed rest for six months.  Then after I had him, it just kept getting worse.  I kept thinking everyone was going to take my baby.  I was a crap mom.  By the time [my best friend] figured it out I was laying in bed crying all day while Lilly (oldest daughter) ate a lunchable after getting off the preschool bus daily.  [She] set me up with an appointment to see a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with state 4 depression, self loathing disorder, and severe anxiety.  I was put on three different medications and instructed to go through actual counseling to help me cope.  Once I found Jesus though, I was able to get off the meds and I am now better but yeah it was my lowest" - Amy McElroy

You can listen to her entire testimony here:  Amy's Testimony at Restoration Church

Both of these ladies who chose to share with me have been friends of mine for years... and we never once EVER talked about the fact that they battled postpartum depression.  Why is that?

Could it be that, as mother's, we are expected to be completely and blissfully "happy" just because we gave birth to a tiny human?  There is so much stigma around mental health, and it just gets worse for moms!  Our bodies have just been ravished, we have tiny humans who literally rely on us for survival, our hormones are COMPLETELY out of whack, and we are expected to throw a smile on our possibly sleepless, overwhelmed faces and pretend that everything is perfect.

It's not that simple.  It's not that easy!  Sometimes our brains don't cooperate the way we want them to!  I want nothing more than to love my daughter.  To spend time bonding with her, making wonderful memories with her, and be perfect - but there is part of me that is absolutely terrified that I will experience the exact opposite.

My entire 38 weeks of pregnancy, I have had to monitor my blood sugar.  I have had to have twice weekly monitoring starting in March to make sure that Diana is moving like she should.  I have even had to see a chiropractor to keep my bones and joints in check... but never once have I been screened for postpartum depression.  I wasn't even asked by anyone but my Doula - and I am convinced that the ONLY reason she thought to ask me is because we have been friends since the age of 11 - she knows my history almost better than I do.

When you hear of a friend who has just had a baby - first or the newest of many - reach out to her!  When she starts to pull away and close herself off, don't let her!  All too often, moms are judged for not being "perfect" but what exactly does the "Perfect mom" look like?  I don't have it together, I doubt I will have it together before Diana gets here, but one thing I know for sure is that it takes a village to raise kiddos!  Notice I did not say a PERFECT village!

When you see a mom struggling in silence, speak up!  Offer an ear.  Offer resources!!  There are plenty!  A simple google search can bring you to a suicide lifeline - 800-273-8255

Sometimes, all it might take is a simple "you are not ok, how can I help you" and sometimes it takes medication and therapy and other medical intervention.  Love your friends, love your family!  And momma's:  Love yourself!  You are doing the best you can, and that's perfect!

RESOURCES:

Postpartum Support International

Postpartum Health Alliance

Jenny's Light

Maternal Mental Health NOW

Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)