Well...

Here is a post that I hoped I would never have to write... because I thought I had things under control.  Turns out... I don't.

First - DO NOT PANIC!!  I am fine, we are fine, everyone is fine... But my anxiety is out of control.  My doctor agrees.

Here I am, admitting that I do not have it all together.  Here I am, admitting that my anxiety is overwhelming and spiraling out of control.  Here I am, admitting I am now a statistic.

Over 3 million new moms seek professional help for postpartum depression or anxiety each year - that number ONLY represents the moms who seek help, not the moms who try to handle it on their own... How many moms truly experience this and go without help?

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well, I don't sleep at night because I fully expect Diana's breathing monitor to go off, alerting me that something has gone horribly wrong (we use a Snuza, which clips on her diaper and will sound if she doesn't breath every so often) It was bad when she was born, but is now even worse that she can turn herself over from her back to her tummy.  I have heard "sleep when the baby sleeps" since before she was born... she has slept through the night since about 4 weeks - I should be sleeping too... but I can't. 

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well... I constantly think I am being a burden on everyone in my life.  I even went so far as to think that my mom was actually annoyed with having to keep Diana while I was at work - trust me, this is FAR from the truth!  My mom's greatest joy is watching her during the work week, even misses her when she isn't there...

I could go on and on... but I have held it all inside for as long as I can.  The doctor has been called, appointments have been set, medication has been called in, and reinforcements have been notified.

Let me be perfectly clear - I do not, have not, and do not foresee ANY thoughts of hurting myself, or anyone else.  I admit that I am a worrier, but I shouldn't be worrying this much...

Are you experiencing anything like this?  I encourage you to contact your doctor ASAP!  If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or your babe, or anyone else around you - GO TO THE ER!! We moms do not have to suffer, and we certainly do not have to suffer in silence.  There is so much pressure on us to be "perfect" in all ways - we aren't.  We are delicate creatures that just pushed a human being out of our body!!  We are in this together, we should lift each other up!!

I am here for you!!