I hurt today...

Heads up, this post may not have much to do with my journey or anything weight loss/mma/sport related.

A little bit of everything

First, let me just say... if you have NOT watched this video, you need to stop everything and go watch it.  Or scroll down to the bottom, I will post it too!

After throwing fits and feeling down, and even throwing myself a little pity party, I have now brushed myself off and gotten back up.  I must admit, this video helped me.  You can't possibly watch the Chewbacca Mom video without cracking up a little bit.

She says something very profound towards the end - "It's the simple joys!" and you know what?  She is absolutely right!

What do you find joy in?  What makes you laugh hysterically?  What brings you happiness?

I find that when things just don't feel right, and a nap isn't helping either, and I have eaten what I can and when I can, I find joy in working my technique or Muay Thai and Judo.

Even though I was feeling like crap last week, and just ready to quit, I didn't give up on myself.  I wanted to, but then I looked back at all of my posts and I looked at my food journal... I have come way to far to give up now.

And you have too!  Even if today is only day 2, you CANNOT give up just yet!  Eventually, it will be easier.  It won't feel like such a chore to be healthy.  Like a vlogger I follow said in one of his early posts "Time and Pressure.  Time and Pressure."  ShayCarl from ShayLoss.

When it gets hard, just find your joy.  Have a good laugh, drink some water, and get right back to it!

Today is the day to get started!!

I QUIT!! Not really, but that is how I feel today...

I was looking over my food journal from the last couple of days... it appears that my cheat day fell into Saturday, and even yesterday.

At least, that is how I feel.

Honestly, my calories went over on Sunday, but I don't really track that day to begin with.  Saturday and Monday, I was fine.  I am sure today I will be fine too!

Went over a bit on salt though.. so that's not good.

I have a doctor's appointment this Friday, and I am kind of nervous about it.  Mainly because I am working hard, eating SO.MUCH.BETTER, but the scale is not moving as fast as I would like it to.  Those couple of pounds I was excited about have come back on... I just don't understand!

Honestly, it makes me want to quit!  Why work this hard for no weight to be lost?  I already know "muscle weighs more than fat" and "I am losing inches" but am I really?  Mom and I measured Friday evening and our measurements went UP from what the doctor showed...  WHAT THE CRAP MAN?!?!?!

Normally, I would just chalk it up to being a beginner and it's going to take time for my body to lose the weight that has taken me years to put on... but this is just flat out DUMB!!  It is extremely discouraging, and I HATE it!

I blame the weather... it has been rainy and icky for days now.  This is how I know for sure I wouldn't ever survive in the PNW.  I need sunshine in my life!! This weather is making me extremely crabby...

I am half way considering doing away with a weekly cheat day, and turning it into a cheat meal on Sunday.  I have to do something...

I did the calculations and in order to lose 2 pounds per week, I should only eat 1200 calories a day.  I can do it, I have done it in the past, and as long as I eat tons of fruit and veggies I should be way more than ok.  It's just so hard... and I guess I am feeling discouraged because I am not seeing the results I should be.

I should be getting faster in Muay Thai... but I feel slower.  I should be getting stronger... I can barely do a push up.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer... but we all have days where we just want to quit.  Today is my day.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better!

Eat to live, or live to eat? That is the question...

Food is a MAJOR downfall of mine... I want to eat it!  Usually, it tastes good, so why not - Right?

Well, I am starting to notice things while on this journey.  Why do I eat when I do?  I eat breakfast in the morning, because I am awake, it's early, and I am told its the most important meal of the day.  But what I am also noticing is that if I eat breakfast when I am hungry, and it's on plan, I tend not to snack until lunch.  It's strange the way the brain works!

I find that if I eat junk for breakfast, I feel like I am starving an hour later... 

Lunch... same thing.  If I eat something on plan, and around the general lunch time, I am satisfied. 

I do admit, when I have a training session coming up, I do try to squeeze in a small snack just to keep my tank filled until I get home for dinner.  I don't always get it in, but I can certainly tell when I don't.

After dinner, I sometimes struggle... because I want something sweet.  Lately, I have been satisfied with an on plan "fudge bar" and I am good.  But sometimes, I just want to eat chocolate.  The only time I allow myself to do so is on Sunday cheat days, and usually I forget all about the candy...

The hardest time I have with eating is when my emotions get out of control.  If I get frustrated, I want to eat.  Happy?  I want to eat.  Sad?  Eat.

Why is this?  Why do we celebrate everything with food?  You did great today!  Let's go eat some ice cream.  Or, Aunt Flo is in town, let's celebrate with EATING EVERYTHING!! (ladies, raise your hand if you are with me!!)

I have challenged myself and my support group with this:  why are you eating?

My goal is not to question why I am eating breakfast/lunch/dinner, but why am I munching at my desk after I just had lunch?  Why am I making myself sick off of chips and salsa, after I have already eaten my sandwich for dinner?  And then eating an entire package of strawberries?  There is NO WAY I should have been hungry after dinner...

So, I challenge you dear reader... why are you eating?  If you are choosing donuts for breakfast, ok!  But why do you feel you need 2, 3, or more?  Eating lunch at noon?!  That's fine!  But then why are you nearly gnawing on your desk an hour later?

Maybe I am wrong, but focusing on the WHY helps me determine the behavior that may or may not need to change.

Until tomorrow!!

Feelings... Whoa Whoa Feelings!

Yesterday was kind of weird.  Between all the feels of hearing about someone being fat shamed... in her gym of all places, to bringing up my own issues... it made yesterday feel kind of weird.

We had muay thai last night, which I haven't really gotten to explain, I don't think.

Muay Thai is basically Thai kickboxing.  You get to kick and punch, but you also get to use your knees and elbows!

So, we go to class last night, and I am frustrated with the fat shaming... The first drill we do is leg kick drills, and while Brandon told me that it didn't feel like I was kicking as hard as I normally do, I was trying to get my frustration out.  And I did accomplish something last night!  I actually landed body kicks!

My hips are not flexible.  Yes, I need yoga.  No, I am not doing yoga at home (but I want to, any youtube suggestions?)  I don't know if it was my frustration levels, the thought that I needed to prove to the fat shamers that they are liars/jerks/jokes/whatevers, or if I am actually just making progress.

After about 20 minutes of leg kick drills, we started with dutch drills.  A quick explanation of dutch drills is this:  You have gloves, I have gloves, aim for each others gloves - giving only about 10-20% of your throws (we don't wear mouth guards yet, not ready to lose my teeth...)

I didn't mean to, but I gave more than that... I never did miss my partner's gloves, and he didn't say I was hitting too hard or anything (we are all very open with that, so we don't get hurt)  But I was frustrated.  I hit harder than my 10-20%.

This got me to thinking... Why do I take things so personally?  My parents have told me that I have always been that way.  That I have always wanted to be the protector and always stood up for the underdog.  But, that right there is what landed me in therapy and on medication a few years ago.

Without going in to it, because I am just not ready yet, I had a mental break down.  My parents were called to my house, and found me in a state that I don't think they have ever seen me in.  I ended up in therapy.

Once I began to trust the process, I actually started to accept the help that I desperately needed!  Before, I thought that the things I was doing to self medicate were helping, now I know and understand that I needed professional help - now I recommend therapy to EVERYONE!!

I made a comment today on facebook that went something like this:  Isn't it wonderful when you find the version of therapy that works for you?!

Muay thai and MMA training has become my therapy.  I can take all of my overflow of emotions to the gym and leave it all on the mat!  I feel lifted up by my gym mates, my husband and I get to enjoy time together doing something GOOD for us, and I leave feeling like a brand new person!

What do you do to keep your emotions in check??

Excuses, excuses

I shouldn't use our being on vacation as an excuse, but we are on vacation so things are a little...um... not on target.

I haven't gone super overboard or anything, but Sunday is cheat day right?  Well, Monday by the time we left the gym we realized that nothing was open that was healthy and we hadn't set anything out to thaw... and so... I had taco bell.

I felt terrible about it after eating, and honestly I didn't feel that great anyway.  My stomach hurt, I felt heavy, and I just knew I didn't want anymore.  At least I feel like I have made progress.

Brandon and I were talking about reasons vs. excuses.  What do you consider a reason, and what do you consider an excuse?  While I don't think that being on vacation is a good reason to purposefully eat off plan and not do what is necessary, I do feel that its a relaxing time for me.  It's my vacation, I want to relax and not have to stress.  About anything.

So, is this an excuse? Is it a reason?  If it's a reason, is it a good one?  If it's an excuse, is it a bad one?

I feel horrible that my eating plan hasn't been on par.  I feel horrible that we haven't been to the gym every night while on vacation.  But what I absolutely do NOT feel horrible about is spending quality time with my husband.

Today, Wednesday, has been the only day on vacation that we haven't spent too much time together.  I had to go with my mom to her doctor appointment, and he chose to work on his car - which he is still doing.

What is a good reason to you?  What is a bad excuse?  Are you finding reasons not to get to work on yourself?  Are you letting excuses hold you back?

One thing I know for sure, I am not quitting.  I am not giving up... I am on vacation.

Sunday Reflections

Sunday is our cheat day, its also the day we go to church!  I play the guitar on the praise and worship team.  Sometimes I sing too, if my voice is up to it.

Today was kind of emotional.  The praise team has practice before service, so I got there kind of early.  One of the other team members is a good friend of mine. We ended up talking about pregnancy and timing... which has been a difficult topic of conversation for me.  A year ago in May, my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

One of the many side effects of this wonderful diagnonsence is obesity, hair loss, and difficult getting pregnant.  The obesity portion I am taking care of... Diet and exercise.  The hair loss... I am dealing with, but it hurts sometimes.  My hair is my crowning glory - One the few things about ME that I love!  It was thick, beautiful, and healthy!

The hardest one is the pregnancy, or lack there of.  There is a good chance that we won't even be able to get pregnant.  For some reason today, I was extra emotional about it.  Back to our conversation... We started talking about how the hardest thing to hear is "God's timing is not OUR timing" especially when it comes from people who don't really know the situation.  Yes, I firmly believe that God's timing is not mine, and I trust that it is beyond perfect.  But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.  After practice was over, I was on my way out the door when I was stopped by someone.

She stopped me and threw her arms around me.  She said "I read your comment on facebook, and wanted to let you know that we are praying for you"  She and her husband had a hard time getting pregnant, but now have a beautiful daughter!

On April 1st, my friend posted that she saw an "April Fool's fake pregnancy joke"  My comment was simple "This is my HATE for April 1st... it really hurts some of us who are trying desperately with zero results"  And that is truly how I feel about it.  We have extremely supportive parents who don't pressure us or make us feel bad, so that is nice.  And I have started opening up and sharing when people ask.  But sometimes, I wish that it wasn't even a topic of conversation...

I know people mean well when they ask when we are going to start our family, but maybe that's not the plan for us to be parents?  Maybe the plan is for us to adopt!  Maybe the plan is for us to not have children, at all.  When I was so heavily involved in missions work, I thought that there was no way I could juggle work life, marriage, working in a foreign country, AND a baby... And even now, I wonder how in the world we could juggle having a baby and keeping up with everything we have going on.

Do I want a baby?  More than life, but it just isn't happening right now.  And that's ok.

Today got extra emotional because we had a baby dedication this morning.  While this was going on, all I could think about was us standing there with our baby, surrounded by our family, and my heart just broke.  I am usually good about holding back the hurt, but today was just too much... I couldn't stop the tears from flowing... but I am ok.  I promise.

I don't get mad at people for asking, it's typically natural for kiddos to follow marriage.  But please know that when I respond with a "not right now" or "we are trying" please don't think I am being rude for ending the conversation quickly.  It hurts me that I have no control over this.  But I am trusting that God's plan is 10374987452095792847times better than anything we could ever come up with.

Yes, we have talked about adoption, but want to give my body some time to work or not work.  We know that our family will grow, we are just trying to be patient.

That's about all I have for today.  It's cheat day, so Easter candy has certainly been eaten today!  We also tried the Burger King angriest burger... it was ok, but I think I am getting over the addiction to crap food!  I could hardly finish the burger...  And I don't want any more! Progress!

Feel free to share comments about your struggles or non-struggles.  It's wonderful to know that us Cysters (see what I did there?) aren't alone, and that the struggle is real!  Us ladies need to support each other, even if its a "I am praying for and with you" or "I am here for an ear, and a shoulder" We got this!  Even if it isn't happening on OUR time!

Happy Sunday!  The Walking Dead finale is on in a couple hours... so enjoy!!!