Postpartum Anxiety Update

To start at the beginning, I started medication about 2 weeks ago... If you want to read about it, click here.

After a brief discussion with my doctor, she decided to start me on 10mgs of Celexa, and so far I have noticed a tremendous difference!  I feel like myself, which I hadn't for a long time.

The few people I have talked to about it have all asked me the same question - "Why didn't you say anything?"  Well, the answer is very simple, yet completely difficult.  Especially if you have ever dealt with anxiety.

I didn't say anything to anyone, because my anxiety ridden mind was telling me that "everything was fine" or "No one will believe me, since I have talked about it so much" and "I don't want to burden anyone with it" when all of these things were absolutely not true.

Everything was NOT fine - I was hardly sleeping for a couple reasons.  First, we all know how hard it was for us to get pregnant, so now I am scared to death that something horrible is going to happen - but it has gotten much better for me in just the 2 short weeks of being on medication.  I would lay in bed waiting for her Snuza to go off.

SHAMELESS PLUG!! There is still time to enter the contest here

Second, Brandon works midnight's... so I would lay in bed and wait for someone to try and break in to our house.  Now, our neighborhood, for the most part, is quiet.  Aside from a few minor incidents, nothing happens around us... but when my mind spirals out of control, this is one of my fears - Someone will break in and will either take Diana (apparently abduction attempts have been happening in our area too) or I won't be able to get to her to keep her safe from someone

The few people I have shared with have believed me, and in fact mentioned that they thought something was off but didn't know how to approach me without upsetting me.  Seriously - from someone who is getting help - say something!  If you notice a new mom struggling, say something.  Especially if they have already made mention that PPD of any kind could potentially spring up.  Even if they get mad at you - say something!  It could save a life!!

The last thing I have been to anyone is a burden.  My mom LOVES keeping Diana during the week, Brandon loves both of us tremendously (yes, I thought otherwise... anxiety sucks!!) and everyone I have confided in has been amazingly supportive.

I bring all of this up because I know there are other new mommy's out there that DON'T speak up.  For a number of reasons.  Each story is different, but the answer is still the same - GET HELP, SPEAK UP, AND SPEAK OUT!  Share your story! 

Parenting is hard, no matter the stage.  My anxiety didn't show up until after I came back to work.  It's a hard subject, but the consequences of not speaking up are devastating.  We need to be there for each other, not trying to tear each other apart.  Please PLEASE!  Don't let this go.

If you need help, here are some resources.  Talk to your doctor.  Reach out to me!  While I am no professional, I am certainly a good listener!

Almost a Year, and New Things to Come!!!

It's been almost a year since I have written... and SO MUCH HAS CHANGED!!!

2017 has been a very weird year... but it is wrapping up to be one of the best year's of my life!  I am excited to announce...

WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!

DIANA MAR-JEN LONESS is due 04/17/2018

We started an additional youtube channel - Loness Crew - which updates different things about the pregnancy.  And once baby Diana get's here, I will also be getting back to judo and my weight loss journey.  I want to be able to keep up with her.

As most of you know, we were having a HORRIBLE time getting pregnant.  Here is the blogpost about my diagnosis of PCOS and my feeble attempt to explain where I was with it at that time - I am still fighting the effects of this horrible thing called a disease (with no explanation of causes, or even cures!! Treatments for the symptoms only...) 

However... after family vacation to Florida this year, I wasn't feeling 100%.  I was tired, no food sounded good, and I even threw up out of the blue one day in my office... that was fun!  My birthday was on a Sunday, and I kept thinking to myself "maybe I am pregnant?  No!  I am NOT!"  After too many let downs, I had basically stopped allowing myself to think it.  After discussion with Brandon, we decided to take a test.  For some reason, it made sense to test on my birthday - I really didn't think it through all the way:  If it was negative, it might ruin my entire day.  

I woke up early, because I was actually excited to test!  For the first time in the almost 3 years of trying, I actually felt excited to test... Immediately, the 2 stripes appeared.  I couldn't believe my eyes!  In fact, I DIDN'T believe my eyes!!  I didn't have to wait the 2 minutes for the test to show positive... it was immediate! 

I fumbled around for the box, because SURELY I was only seeing things.  My eyes were blurry from sleeping in my contacts, or I wasn't reading the results correctly... Sure enough, the box AND the insert of directions confirmed - WE ARE HAVING A BABY!

Brandon, still in bed, could hear my rustling around in the bathroom.  He fully admits that he was waiting for me to start screaming - he thought I had seen a spider and was freaking out trying to get away from it... Little did he know, I had just learned he was going to be a daddy!!

I came out of the bathroom - test in one hand, box with directions in the other - and said "we did it!" He just looked at me, since he was also half asleep "did what?"  I jumped on the bed with him, my excitement too much to contain at that point "we are pregnant!!" We laughed, cried, reread the directions and results about a thousand times, and then had to get ourselves together... Today was my birthday, and we decided not to tell anyone until we went to the doctor to confirm... 

4 hours, 15 people, and 1 birthday dinner and cake party later... we had contained ourselves long enough to make it through!!  I didn't even slip ONCE!!  

The video above was our announcement to the world.  We told our parents on Labor Day Monday, and they had absolutely NO idea!!  It was one of the greatest surprises EVER!!  We gave our parents a gift:  A onesie that said "One day I will make history", some socks, football pacifiers, and a copy of the first ultrasound in a frame that had grandkid words all over it.  You can tell by the reactions in the video, all 4 parents are EXTREMELY excited!!

Now, I am at 21 weeks and have had a few struggles along the way.  First, let me just say - Diana is growing just perfectly!  She is weighing in at 12 ounces, which is right on track.  Our anatomy scan was last week - which confirms the growth of limbs and organs - everything is perfect.  She was wiggling around like crazy, and even got the hiccups while we watched her on the screen.  It has really been a magical time in our life and in our marriage.

I am having to take insulin shots, as I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes - but after weeks of feeling guilty, I have finally come to the realization that it is NOT my fault.  It has nothing to do with my weight, or lack of weight loss.  It has everything in the world to do with the fact that my pancreas is just completely unable to keep up.  A pregnant woman's pancreas has to keep up with almost 3 times the amount of insulin to keep 2 humans alive during pregnancy.  A woman weighing 100 pounds may not have a pancreas up to the task... a woman at 300 pounds may not have a problem keeping up with the insulin demands.  Everyone is different.

Obviously, because of the pregnancy, my judo and kickboxing training are on pause right now.  I do plan on getting back in though, once she is here and I am cleared by my doctors to get back.  Diana doesn't know it yet, but as soon as she is 4, she is also getting into the judo program.  Too many kids are being bullied for me to NOT have her in some sort of self defense.

So, that's all that is new.  I have decided that while I am attempting to vlog on youtube our amazing journey, I also want to get back into blogging.  I feel like I can get my point across with written word easier than on video - but we shall see what happens.

Have a great day everyone, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!