Postpartum Anxiety Update

To start at the beginning, I started medication about 2 weeks ago... If you want to read about it, click here.

After a brief discussion with my doctor, she decided to start me on 10mgs of Celexa, and so far I have noticed a tremendous difference!  I feel like myself, which I hadn't for a long time.

The few people I have talked to about it have all asked me the same question - "Why didn't you say anything?"  Well, the answer is very simple, yet completely difficult.  Especially if you have ever dealt with anxiety.

I didn't say anything to anyone, because my anxiety ridden mind was telling me that "everything was fine" or "No one will believe me, since I have talked about it so much" and "I don't want to burden anyone with it" when all of these things were absolutely not true.

Everything was NOT fine - I was hardly sleeping for a couple reasons.  First, we all know how hard it was for us to get pregnant, so now I am scared to death that something horrible is going to happen - but it has gotten much better for me in just the 2 short weeks of being on medication.  I would lay in bed waiting for her Snuza to go off.

SHAMELESS PLUG!! There is still time to enter the contest here

Second, Brandon works midnight's... so I would lay in bed and wait for someone to try and break in to our house.  Now, our neighborhood, for the most part, is quiet.  Aside from a few minor incidents, nothing happens around us... but when my mind spirals out of control, this is one of my fears - Someone will break in and will either take Diana (apparently abduction attempts have been happening in our area too) or I won't be able to get to her to keep her safe from someone

The few people I have shared with have believed me, and in fact mentioned that they thought something was off but didn't know how to approach me without upsetting me.  Seriously - from someone who is getting help - say something!  If you notice a new mom struggling, say something.  Especially if they have already made mention that PPD of any kind could potentially spring up.  Even if they get mad at you - say something!  It could save a life!!

The last thing I have been to anyone is a burden.  My mom LOVES keeping Diana during the week, Brandon loves both of us tremendously (yes, I thought otherwise... anxiety sucks!!) and everyone I have confided in has been amazingly supportive.

I bring all of this up because I know there are other new mommy's out there that DON'T speak up.  For a number of reasons.  Each story is different, but the answer is still the same - GET HELP, SPEAK UP, AND SPEAK OUT!  Share your story! 

Parenting is hard, no matter the stage.  My anxiety didn't show up until after I came back to work.  It's a hard subject, but the consequences of not speaking up are devastating.  We need to be there for each other, not trying to tear each other apart.  Please PLEASE!  Don't let this go.

If you need help, here are some resources.  Talk to your doctor.  Reach out to me!  While I am no professional, I am certainly a good listener!

Today...

Ugh... I hate posting stuff like this, because I know it is only temporary and is NOT how "things" actually are... but I also want to be an open book for readers - hopefully my experience will help YOU realize that either you aren't alone.

Today is a rough day.  Today is the day that I feel like I am not doing anything right, or that I am failing at every aspect of life.  Most days I am fine!  Most days I feel like I am nailing this mother/wife/daughter thing!  Today is not that day...

Today, I woke up from a horrible night sleep.  My anxiety manifests itself in the form of bad dreams.  Dreams that spark sleep walking/talking/running/screaming.  I woke up a couple of times running to Diana's room to check on her - to see if she was still breathing 1 time, to see if she was still there another time...  When I wasn't waking up to check on her in her room, I was waking up sitting in my bed "looking for her" knowing clear well that she was in her bed fast asleep.

Today, I feel overly anxious and worried for absolutely no reason.  Worried that Aunt TeeTee, who sat with Diana while my mom went to the doctor, is upset that Diana spit up all over her (she isn't, she told me so) Worried that my mom really doesn't want to babysit, when I know full well that is NOT true (she tells me every day that she loves watching her while I am at work) The list goes on and on... because 1 thought sparks another, which sparks another... which spirals out of control, and then I spend the morning in tears because I am just going crazy!

If you see a momma today, tell her she is doing a great job - even if she has a smile on her face.  My smile hides a whole lot sometimes...  If you see a momma without a smile, give her a hug... she might need it more than you know.

Let me wrap up with this - I am perfectly fine.  I am not going to hurt myself or anyone else around me.  I might ugly cry a few times today, but that's about it.  It's just a really bad day today.

Breast Feeding and Public...

In case anyone was wondering, I am 100% pro breast feeding - HOWEVER!!! I am also 100% pro Fed is Best!  A momma has gotta do what a momma has gotta do to feed her child.  I am also a woman living with PCOS.  Most PCOS patients have a low milk supply and are unable to breast feed.

Thankfully, I have been blessed with a supply that not only feeds Diana, but also allows me to pump and have a frozen supply for when I go back to work... which is another post in itself.

While I am pro breast feeding, I have yet to feed Diana in public.  I either work it out to where she is fed before we leave the house, OR I find myself sitting with her in the backseat of our car with the air running.  Mainly because I am terrified... I am terrified of someone saying something to me in public.  We have tried to use a cover, but Diana refuses - not that I blame her... I don't think I would enjoy my meal under a blanket either.  And I absolutely REFUSE to feed her in a restroom... GROSS!!! 

Tonight, I was at Target with my parents and Diana decided it was dinner time - I feed her on demand, and she is usually on a really good schedule, but that doesn't matter.  We had just checked out, and I thought we had plenty of time to get home... I was wrong.  I started to take her out of her pumpkin seat to walk out to the car, when my mom remembered we were standing in a newly remodeled Target - Complete with a brand new Mother's Room! 

I grabbed Ole Girl and headed for the fitting rooms!  Sure enough, there was a nursing room!  I didn't take pictures, as I didn't have my phone - big mistake... BUT!!  The door had a lock, so we were in complete privacy.  The room had a comfy chair, with a table close by with ports to charge a phone.  The room was even large enough for a family to use as a family fitting room!  The ONLY thing I can think of that would have made it any better is if it had a changing station.  And the ONLY reason why I think a changing station would have made the room a bit better is because I am not sure if there is a changing station in the men's room.  Dad's have to change kiddo's too... but that's not the point.

Target's stance and support of breast feeding mothers made it possible for me to feed my daughter in a private location, without fear of judgement from other customers.  Even the employees were kind enough to show me to the room, when I wasn't 100% sure of where it was located. 

As a brand new, first time mom who is doing my best to continue breast feeding, I appreciate the fact that I can feed my daughter while shopping.  Honestly, I don't have that option at any other store... even if they have a Pro Breast Feeding stance, I would still have to sit out somewhere and worry about other customers and their comments.

For all you mommies who choose to breast feed, uncovered, and in public - I salute and support you!  If I see you out, I would gladly sit and chat with you for a moment and show my support!  I just don't have the confidence in myself to do it... But I am working on it.

Thank you Target!!  This breast feeding mom thanks you!!

Rest and Support

Not going to lie...that 5k pretty much ruined my legs.  But that's ok.  With some TENS Unit therapy, and some rest, I will be as good as new tomorrow!  And right back to it!

Don't have much to say on the REST department, other than you KNOW when you need it.

So on to the Support!

I pretty much have the best support system a person could ask for.  When my husband sleeps during the day, I am part of a very small (there are only 3 of us) facebook group that chats most days.  About anything and everything, really... but we are seriously each others cheerleaders!  When one of us feels down, the other 2 are there to encourage!  

I am finding that support is also a very important component of getting healthy.  Some days, it isn't very easy.  In fact, most days, it's really hard.  Some days, it's easier to just give up and go back to what was easy!  But that's when it is desperately important to have a secure support system in place.  

We 3 walked through the 5k together, and we REFUSED to let each other quit!  They are incredibly important, and I wouldn't be as far as I am today without my support!

My advice for the day is to get a support system - Someone, or people, you trust who will be honest with you when you need it, raise you up when you feel low,