One of the dark things about PCOS is that it causes depression to wreak havoc on your life. Granted, mine is not nearly as bad as it used to be (insert old memory of drinking and self harm, but don't feel like going into it at the moment here) Now, I just want to curl up on my bed, with my dog within reach, and cry.
Lucy has seen me through some pretty interesting times in my life, so she is more of a comfort than just a silly little pup.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment this weekend, because it was a great weekend! Saturday was spent at the track with Brandon and his dad for Street Car Take Over. It was great! We saw some amazing races (a car sped down the quarter mile in 8 seconds at 165 miles an hour) and had some AWESOME conversation! I mean, really awesome conversation. Granted, Brandon and I usually have one of those late night, sometimes tear filled conversations on the regular... but Saturday was different. It was all day long, and nearly all night long!
I didn't sleep well due to bad dreams Saturday night. Not scary, just bad. I dreamed of a HORRIBLE situation (which I will not be going in to...) and it just bled over into my entire day. I held it together for the most part, crying just a little bit during church, but nothing too crazy.
On the way to family night (which happens every Sunday night) Brandon made a comment to me that I had never considered. He said "Do you even realize how many people love you?" The only reason I didn't cry my eyes out at that moment is because we were walking into his parents house... Which, I ended up crying anyway because of a conversation regarding a dog anyway... so there was that.
I have been in a state of "verge of tears" ever since then.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have enough negative self talk that I really don't need anyone else's... today has been one of those days.
Saw this picture today, and it accurately describes me and my head - SOMETIMES!!!
Today has been a tear filled day, over things that I have no control of, over things that only my brain has made up and are the farthest thing from reality. I've suddenly gotten fighting mad for no reason, and even thought about drinking.
Side note - alcohol used to be my medication of choice - I have since been in recovery and sober for over 5 years. Not giving that up for anything!!!
So, today, I am trying not to be so hard on myself. I am trying to learn to love this 90% crazy me, even if I cry my eyes out all day long... over nothing. I know how loved I am, even if I take it for granted. I know that things of the past are just that... the past. And that those things will stay there, in the past.
I am NOT useless! It is NOT my fault that some people in my past suck - they chose to leave ME. They chose to ignore the awesomeness that I am, and if they left... then maybe they weren't supposed to be in my life in the first place. I am NOT an idiot, I actually have great intentions and do my best to please people and make other's around me smile and feel accepted. I DO NOT deserve loneliness, but quite the opposite! I deserve to have people around me who WANT to be around me.
I may have anxiety, and I may not know (or even understand) when/why/where/how my emotions will change (read - HARSH mood swings) but please know that I don't do it on purpose. I don't wake up every morning thinking "how can I flip myself upside down today" because believe me... If I could be happy go lucky all day, every day, I would!
How I cope now is to just cry it out... and I think I have finally found my MMA aggression (for when traffic isn't so bad...) I cope by talking to a friend who reminds me that, while completely irrational, I am allowed to feel how I feel - for as long as I need.
Here is the point of my post - when life seems to be just a bit too heavy... do not feel like you are alone or that no one understands. Find that safe person and let them know that things are a little rough today. Or say nothing at all, they should understand (and if they don't, then they are NOT your safe person) Yes, you are in control of your actions, but sometimes our emotions are uncontrollable. It's just another aspect of a horrible disease that does nothing more than ruin you and your body.
However - THIS IS ONLY YOUR SITUATION, THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE.
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