I don't know how else to describe the last couple of days. The hormonal imbalance of PCOS, the intermittent depression, the lack of weight loss...
I hate to be negative, but I am just not handling it very well. I went to bed Friday upset, ready to cry myself to sleep, laying next to my husband who couldn't quite understand what had happened. He came home from work, I was fine! Less than an hour later, I just wanted to cry and hated everything. I couldn't even explain it.
I had a great night! I had spent some quality time (hours...) with my sister in law putting henna hair dye on my hair. It looked more like mud, or worse... poop! But my hair took some of the color - the medication I am on has messed with my hair so badly that it won't accept normal hair color anymore. The washing out process was a bit scary... 20 minutes and a bathtub that looked like coffee grounds had just been thrown all over the place... but my hair has color.
But by the time I was done with my 30 minute, hair washed 3 times, shower, I was ready to scream. I can't explain it... and while I had hoped that just going to bed was going to help, it didn't. I spent all day Saturday feeling like I was going to burst out into tears. Texts from my mom didn't even cheer me up like they normally do.
Sunday was a bit better, but I still fought the urge to stay in bed... under the covers, and only come out to watch football.
I know it will pass, it usually does. It usually takes a couple days, but it usually goes away.
I could list what is haunting my thoughts, but I don't want to bore you with it. I just feel completely out of control, and I hate it! This is what makes me upset that I have a drinking problem. In my previous life, I could have just gone for drinks and would have been numb in less than 30 minutes. But, now that I am sober, I have nothing to numb me.
I started watching a show on TLC - My Big Fat Fabulous Life. The show follows Whitney Way Thore. She is a woman from North Carolina who also suffers from PCOS. Seriously, I could easily be best friends with this girl!
Her struggles closely mirror my own, and she seems like such a breath of fresh air. She makes things seem so easy - and she fights hard against body shaming. According to her show, she weighs 380 pounds - which is much more than I weigh, but that is not the point.
I can't stand the way I look, I can't stand that I have to work twice as hard to lose half the weight. And the fact that other people judge the SAME things really hurts. It's all so ridiculous!
Whitney was asked what she would say to a class room of young girls, and she said that she would tell them to love themselves. She knows that loving yourself is so much easier said than done! Brandon asked me what I would say, my answer "just to be NICE to each other. Rather than point out the flaws in a person in other people, how about point out the nice things. Just be nice"
So that's my advice for today.... Just be nice. You see someone who needs a smile? Give them one! Be pleasant. I mean... no one has ever regretted be nice to someone else, have they?
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