Well...

Here is a post that I hoped I would never have to write... because I thought I had things under control.  Turns out... I don't.

First - DO NOT PANIC!!  I am fine, we are fine, everyone is fine... But my anxiety is out of control.  My doctor agrees.

Here I am, admitting that I do not have it all together.  Here I am, admitting that my anxiety is overwhelming and spiraling out of control.  Here I am, admitting I am now a statistic.

Over 3 million new moms seek professional help for postpartum depression or anxiety each year - that number ONLY represents the moms who seek help, not the moms who try to handle it on their own... How many moms truly experience this and go without help?

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well, I don't sleep at night because I fully expect Diana's breathing monitor to go off, alerting me that something has gone horribly wrong (we use a Snuza, which clips on her diaper and will sound if she doesn't breath every so often) It was bad when she was born, but is now even worse that she can turn herself over from her back to her tummy.  I have heard "sleep when the baby sleeps" since before she was born... she has slept through the night since about 4 weeks - I should be sleeping too... but I can't. 

"How bad is it" you ask?  Well... I constantly think I am being a burden on everyone in my life.  I even went so far as to think that my mom was actually annoyed with having to keep Diana while I was at work - trust me, this is FAR from the truth!  My mom's greatest joy is watching her during the work week, even misses her when she isn't there...

I could go on and on... but I have held it all inside for as long as I can.  The doctor has been called, appointments have been set, medication has been called in, and reinforcements have been notified.

Let me be perfectly clear - I do not, have not, and do not foresee ANY thoughts of hurting myself, or anyone else.  I admit that I am a worrier, but I shouldn't be worrying this much...

Are you experiencing anything like this?  I encourage you to contact your doctor ASAP!  If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or your babe, or anyone else around you - GO TO THE ER!! We moms do not have to suffer, and we certainly do not have to suffer in silence.  There is so much pressure on us to be "perfect" in all ways - we aren't.  We are delicate creatures that just pushed a human being out of our body!!  We are in this together, we should lift each other up!!

I am here for you!!

My Year in the Life

This past Monday, we celebrated my 35th birthday... 35 years earth side.  It is still kind of hard for me to wrap my head around!  I feel like so much has happened in my life, and yet nothing at all.

On my 34th birthday, I woke up and took a pregnancy test.  It IMMEDIATELY turned positive.  When I say immediately, I mean just that.  I was shocked at how fast it turned!  I didn't have to wait for 2 minutes... I was SHOCKED!!  After throwing the box all around to find the actual directions, I came out of the bathroom to wake Brandon up.  He heard my thrashing around and thought I fighting with a spider... He was also half asleep and had completely forgotten I was going to take a test.

See, we had tried for so long and gotten so many negative tests that he wasn't even sure I should take the test in the first place.  He was afraid that I would take the test on the morning of my birthday, and then be crushed the rest of the day.  To say that we were both surprised is a complete understatement.

Here we are, 1 year later - a 3 piece band! 

This past year of my life has been a crazy fun roller coaster ride!! I have learned what my body is able to handle, what my mind is able to handle, and what my marriage is able to handle!  Pregnancy was not easy for me... in fact, I would rather not do it again... I didn't enjoy it as much as some.  I hated being at the doctor all the time, I hated having to give myself insulin shots, I just flat out did not enjoy it.

Labor and delivery is what I was most afraid of, but I have to be honest - with the epidural, I could do that again!  For sure!  I mean, I slept through most of it... and even the delivery, I don't think I was fully awake for it... but she made it a piece of cake!

What I didn't realize was how much my hormones were going to make me crazy... I never realized how in love with a tiny human I could be.  I also never realized how different I would feel.  I only feel sad when I start thinking about how I have to go to work and leave her all day long.  Let me be very honest here, I don't feel like myself anymore... my entire focus is on my daughter and making sure she is completely taken care of.  I think if I were married to anyone else, there would be a problem.  Thankfully, I married my absolute best friend - He understands me, he also doesn't take it personally and is walking through this WITH me!

What I have learned the most over this last year is that you HAVE to have a firm foundation to build your life and family on.  Otherwise, you might fall.  We are still working on finding date nights, which I make it through with anxiety, but I still make it!  We are still working on finding balance between our family and the outside world - thankfully, ole girl loves her sleep and seems to really just go with the flow.

Last year determined how strong I really am.  This year, my goal is to continue that strength and pass it on to others!  Here is to another year!!!

What Would It Look Like?

Very recently, I was asked to be a part of a worship collective - mainly, a group of like minded individuals who will get together once a month and just go after God in worship.  At the end of this month will be our first worship night, and I just have a gut feeling it is going to be crazy awesome!!

In our first prep meeting, the question was posed "What does worship look like, per the scriptures?" Keeping in mind, I am by far NO theologian or biblical scholar of any kind... I've only read through the Bible from cover to cover a couple of times, and only have certain scripture committed to memory, so obviously I am NOT the authority on this - this is only my opinion...  I am finding that worship is hard to define...  but I am concluding that worship is for God's glory, honor, and praise!  Worship reminds who my Redeemer is, and reminds me that He is alive!

Sunday morning, I was invited to play with a worship team, which I have done many times before... but I was specifically asked to play the electric guitar, and learn the lead parts of the songs.  I am NOT a lead guitar player - even with playing for 25 years as of next Monday - but I said YES, and had 2 days to prepare.

I don't even have my guitars at home right now... new baby = NO SPACE in our 700 square feet house (but we make it work) I sat down with my chord sheets, my laptop, my guitar and prayed... Lord, help me out man!

Sunday morning, I was as prepared as I could be... and my prayer was "you gave me the talent, so use it as you see fit.  It's Yours, no longer mine"

I nailed it!  Just to be clear - this is NOT about MY ability, but my willingness to turn over my talents to God and see what happens.  Say YES to God and watch what unfolds!!  I went in with a heart of "I'm giving you back the talent You gave to me" and the result was an amazing worship experience for me if for no one else.

Musicians get a bad rep... we are very egotistical, we want to be perfect, and ALL OF US WANT TO BE THE LEADER... but that's not what it should be about.  Especially for a worship band... it should be about giving the talents God has blessed us with back to Him - giving Him 110% of all we have! 

We played a song titled "Spirit Move" and the one lyric that almost knocked me to my knees:  You said that if we ask, we'll receive.

I received Sunday morning!  I received His Presence to the point of tears! 

So, if you had to the opportunity to play/sing at the feet of Jesus, how would you do it?  With a musician's heart (which is how I have worshiped in the past - not pointing fingers, just being honest) or with absolute abandon?  Would you panic and worry about the chords and "who is leading this" or would you close your eyes, through your head back and give it all you got?  How different would our worship sessions look if we just gave it all to Jesus? 

Nothing else matters more than just to sit here at Your feet and worship You!

Today...

Ugh... I hate posting stuff like this, because I know it is only temporary and is NOT how "things" actually are... but I also want to be an open book for readers - hopefully my experience will help YOU realize that either you aren't alone.

Today is a rough day.  Today is the day that I feel like I am not doing anything right, or that I am failing at every aspect of life.  Most days I am fine!  Most days I feel like I am nailing this mother/wife/daughter thing!  Today is not that day...

Today, I woke up from a horrible night sleep.  My anxiety manifests itself in the form of bad dreams.  Dreams that spark sleep walking/talking/running/screaming.  I woke up a couple of times running to Diana's room to check on her - to see if she was still breathing 1 time, to see if she was still there another time...  When I wasn't waking up to check on her in her room, I was waking up sitting in my bed "looking for her" knowing clear well that she was in her bed fast asleep.

Today, I feel overly anxious and worried for absolutely no reason.  Worried that Aunt TeeTee, who sat with Diana while my mom went to the doctor, is upset that Diana spit up all over her (she isn't, she told me so) Worried that my mom really doesn't want to babysit, when I know full well that is NOT true (she tells me every day that she loves watching her while I am at work) The list goes on and on... because 1 thought sparks another, which sparks another... which spirals out of control, and then I spend the morning in tears because I am just going crazy!

If you see a momma today, tell her she is doing a great job - even if she has a smile on her face.  My smile hides a whole lot sometimes...  If you see a momma without a smile, give her a hug... she might need it more than you know.

Let me wrap up with this - I am perfectly fine.  I am not going to hurt myself or anyone else around me.  I might ugly cry a few times today, but that's about it.  It's just a really bad day today.