Finding Myself

My motto for 2010 is this:

“We spend all this time looking for the right person, when what we should be doing is becoming the right person”

I don’t know who wrote that, I know it wasn’t me, so sorry I can’t site it properly. But I fully claim that I did not come up with it. Kudos to whoever did, because it makes perfect sense.

How many times have we all gone on dates, or even been in a relationship with someone who we think is “MR” or “MRS” Right? I think us fellow fat kids may have a tendency to let our self image sabotage our good things. They tell us we are beautiful and what is our immediate response? “Yeah, ok? Are you blind?” Or “you have to say that you are my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife” or whatever other word you use for significant other.

I spend hours worrying about what other people think of me. Hell, I can’t even shop without experiencing a serious anxiety attack. I always think people are judging me for my weight. While I am busy looking for a top that doesn’t look like fabric from a couch straight out of 1940, other people are looking at me wondering how my fat ass made it through the door. When I suddenly realize that people are staring at me (which they probably really aren’t) I get extremely upset and leave. This is why I do not shop very often if at all. Except for shoes! A girl, no matter her size, can never have too many shoes. There is just no such thing!

And how many times have I put on an outfit and been told “that looks really good on you” but I change anyway? Countless! Don’t even get me started on not enjoying eating in front of people, even if it’s a small salad. And why do I do all of these things? Let me be honest, I do it because I am not the right person for ME. Meaning, I am not proud of my body. And everything else in my life suffers because of it. And until I start to love me, I will never find “the right person” to be with me. Does that make sense?

I want to love me before I try to let anyone else love me. I want to be comfortable with me for a change. I want to put on a new outfit and believe people when they say that it looks good. I want to stop feeling like people are judging me based on my food. And none of this will take place, in my mind, until I become the right person for myself. I am somewhere buried in this body, I promise. I was there once, but I got lost. I can hear the whispers of “you can!” and all the other good things my inner skinny kid is whispering (more like screaming) to get me there. I do think that it’s a little weird that the voice sounds a bit like Jillian Michaels though… (Yep, new role model!)

“Mr.” and “Mrs.” Right is in there, you just have to find them!